Trails of Tears
by roselefontaine
Summary: A two-kleenex story. Sometimes Imzadi takes a wrong turn. Rated M for one paragraph near the end.


_"__Your feelings for her have not changed, Commander, since the day I met you_."

Will pondered Worf's words to him from a couple months ago, just before they had beamed back to the Enterprise and left the Briar Patch, and the Baku people. He had asked Worf and Geordi if they thought things would change once they left this system that had brought them all back to their youth due to the planet's atmosphere. He was really talking about his renewed relationship with Deanna and Worf knew that. But Worf's response had caught him off guard. Afterall, it was just a year earlier that Worf and Deanna had been a couple. Had Worf known all along?

But here they were, he and Deanna, a couple again. And Will realized Worf had been right. All those years serving on the Enterprise, Will had not lost his affection for his imzadi, though he hid it well. Especially from himself. Tonight they were having dinner in his quarters and Deanna noticed Will scratching incessantly.

"Stop that" she said gently as she reached over to lightly scratch his chin for him. "It's growing back, isn't it?" Will nodded. "I can't seem to bring myself to shave it off again, imzadi." Deanna sat back and smiled sweetly at him. "I know. Truth be told, I miss it myself." Will arched an eyebrow. "and after all the trouble you went to to shave it off" he said, dryly. Deanna chuckled and reached out to rest her hand on his. The absence of the atmosphere of the Baku planet had not dulled their love for each other at all. Not one bit. "We're heading to Starbase 21 tomorrow to pick up some new passengers, then to Risa for shore leave" he said matter of factly. "Oh, Will, this crew could really use some shore leave. Risa will be wonderful." Deanna thought back on some of the better times she'd had there, lazily sunning on the beach, the beautiful lavender oceans lapping gently at her feet. She didn't allow herself to think of her first visit to Risa so many years ago, when Will was supposed to have met her for their wedding. He never showed up.

When they finished their dinner, Will asked Deanna if she wanted to visit the arboretum. They were taking walks almost nightly now, enjoying the sense of each other in their minds, getting to know their imzadi bond all over again. Will had been planning for a month now to ask Deanna to marry him, but he just couldn't find the right time. It eased his nervousness to walk hand in hand with her, opening his mind and allowing her access. Deanna was gentle and slow in probing him, and didn't dive in too deeply; it had been a long time. She gave him full access to her mind, and he reveled in the feel of it. They strolled down the pathway that led back to the fountain, their favorite place. They walked in silence, every now and then Will placing a kiss on his imzadi's head. Silence was comfortable for them now, their love for each other filling all of their senses. When they reached the bench by the fountain, they sat down, Will taking Deanna in his arms. She snuggled up against his chest, as he wrapped his arms tightly around her, as if trying to draw her into himself. "I love you imzadi" Will whispered into her hair. "Mmmmmm, I love you too" she said softly back, placing one of her hands on top of his and intertwining her fingers with his. The fountain trickled musically as they sighed into each other. Neither had felt this warm, comforted and full in years. Will lifted his free hand and began to play with Deanna's hair as she leaned her head into him. Suddenly, an idea popped into his head. "_Risa_!" He thought it so loudly that Deanna jumped and practically fell off of the bench. She turned around, looking at him wide-eyed. "What about Risa?" she asked, breathless. Will looked sheepish. "Sorry, imzadi, didn't mean to startle you like that. I was just thinking about our shore leave on Risa." Will immediately blocked his thoughts so Deanna could read no further. Indeed, he had been thinking about Risa, but what he had been thinking about was how perfect a place that would be to ask her to marry him. The place that he had so hurt her, the place he had stood her up years ago. But not this time. This time it would become the place he had committed to her. The place he had asked her to marry him. The place they had sealed their love. His hope was that it would almost make up for what he had done to her the first time. Will's eyes were smiling as Deanna tilted her head and looked at him suspiciously. "What are you thinking, Will? You've blocked your thoughts from me." Will simply grinned. "Some things are better kept secret, imzadi" he said mysteriously as he touched his finger to her nose. "And this is one of those things." Deanna stared at him a while longer then smiled as she laid her head back down on his shoulder. "This one better be good, then" she surmised as Will responded "Oh, it is. It is."

That evening after Will had dropped Deanna off with a soul-shattering kiss goodnight, she donned her silken nightgown and sat in front of her vanity, brushing her hair. She paused a moment to look at herself in the mirror. It was as if she were young again, even though they'd left the Briar Patch months ago. Her eyes were bright and her skin was glowing. Her hair seemed softer than it had ever been. "_Love_" she thought happily to herself. For indeed she was happy. She had always loved Will in one way or another, and finally had to admit to herself that she did want to eventually settle down with him. He was the love of her soul, and though other men had come and gone, no one had affected her like her imzadi. No one could make her heart sing like he could. And she enjoyed having the same affect on him. "Who would have thought, me and "Will-the-thrill Riker" finally together after all this time?" She chuckled. "_Well, certainly not anyone who ever gave me that dreadful nickname_!" she heard in her mind. "_Will!_" she thought cast back to him. "_Are you eaves dropping on my thoughts_?" she reprimanded. She heard his hearty laughter in her head, that Riker laughter that always gave her goosebumps. "_No, imzadi, your thoughts are eavesdropping on my sleep_". Deanna tilted her head back and laughed as she stood up from the vanity and walked over to place her hand on the wall that separated her and Will's quarters, knowing his bed was right on the other side. "_In that case, I shall keep my thoughts to myself. Sleep well, my love._" "_I'd sleep better if you were in here with me_" he teased. Deanna laughed as she remembered their conversation about waiting this time, taking their physical relationship slowly. "_No, Will, you wouldn't get any sleep at all_" she said, poignantly. She could hear Will sigh through the wall. She smiled to herself and turned to walk back towards her bed to turn in for the night. "_I love you, imzadi_" she whispered sweetly into his mind as she felt his arms reach out and wrap around her soul.

"Tomorrow we will be arriving at Starbase 21" the Captain said to the senior staff sitting around the conference table. Data and Geordi sat down at the end, then Worf and Beverly, who both sat facing Will and Deanna. They all were more than aware that Will and Deanna were holding hands under the table, trying not to let anyone see. "Oh you two" Beverly said. "do you really think we're that clueless? You may as well hold hands on top of the table, we all know you're doing it". "Just trying to keep it professional, Bev" Will said staunchly as Captain Picard cleared his throat, trying to get everyone's attention again. "So we will be stationed at the starbase for three weeks." Everyone looked up, surprised. "I thought it was only for a couple of days" Geordi spoke up from the back of the room. "It was" the Captain replied "but the transport carrying the Alpha Scientists ran into some mechanical problems and had to make an unplanned stop for repairs. So we will have to wait here for them." Everyone groaned, as all had hoped to be on their way to Risa as soon as possible. "I know, I know" Captain Picard said. "You all are greatly deserving of shore leave. But I encourage you to take advantage of this starbase. They have some wonderful holodeck programs and even a real old-fashioned swimming pool. I for one intend to take advantage of it." "Swimming sounds fun" Deanna said as the Captain dismissed the meeting.

"So when are you two going to be married finally?" Beverly said as she caught up to Will and Deanna. Deanna rolled her eyes as Will said sternly "Beverly! Would you please try and stay out of our business?" "It stopped being only your business about eight years ago Will, when it was obvious you and Deanna were in love and wasting time dancing around each other." Will grunted and took Deanna's hand to lead them more quickly away from Beverly. Deanna turned her head around to smile at her friend, knowing she meant well. "We did dance for quite awhile didn't we?" she said as Will whispered in her ear "don't encourage her."

Later that night they were resting comfortably in Will's quarters, Deanna in the chair with her feet curled up under her, reading a psychology book on her padd, and Will on the sofa going over some reports, when the chime rang. "Come" Will said, continuing to read his padd. The door slid open and Data entered, noticing the counselor there. "I hope I haven't come at a bad time" he said. Deanna put her padd down. "No, not at all Data. What can we do for you?" Data continued walking in and sat down in the chair opposite both Will and Deanna. Commander, Counselor, what does it mean for a couple to be reunited?" Will and Deanna exchanged a glance, and Deanna moved to sit by Will on the couch, a small smile on her face. Will placed his arm around her. "Well, Data," Deanna began, "it means that a couple was once lovers, and now they are again." Data cocked his head in confusion, then said "Were you and Commander Riker lovers once?" At this Will grinned as it had never occurred to them that Data would not have been aware of their longstanding, back and forth relationship. "Yes, Data" he replied. "A very long time ago, on Betazed." "Why did the relationship end?" Data continued his innocent inquiry. Deanna tensed as Will cleared his throat. "Well…" Deanna interrupted him. "It just didn't work out at the time, Data" she said softly. "Commander Riker and I have been very close friends since then. I think our feelings never really left. Then when we were in the Briar Patch, those feelings sort of…came alive again." Data nodded his understanding. "So that is why everyone is saying you are…reunited." "Yes Data" Will said, chuckling at his friend. "Though, really you have been in love all this time, so in that sense you are not reunited." Data observed. Deanna sighed. "Data, it's….well, human relationships can be complicated sometimes." "_Especially ours_" Will thoughtcast to her as she hit him on the arm. "Let's just say" Will began "that love gets better with time. That we're more in love now than we've ever been. That I'm more in love than I ever thought I could be." Will squeezed Deanna's shoulder as she lifted her face to kiss his cheek. "Ah" Data replied. "Love is something that can grow. Get stronger." "Yes" they both said at the same time as Will's grin widened. "Thank you, Commander, Counselor, you have given me much to think about." Data said as he stood to go. "You're welcome, Data, anytime" Will said as they both watched him leave. After the door was closed, they both sat back, laughing. "Poor Data" Deanna observed. "Trying to figure out our relationship! Sometimes we can't even figure it out!" Will grinned widely as he leaned over and tilted his head down to kiss her lovingly, firmly on the lips. "but there's no one I'd rather try and figure it out with" he whispered as she pulled his face back down for another kiss.

By noon the next day the Enterprise was docked at the space station. This gave Geordi a chance to do what he loved most, inspect, clean, play with, and in general coddle his engines. He smiled to himself thinking that if he spent as much time cultivating his relationships with women as he did with the Enterprise engines, he'd probably be married by now. Worf and his security team were remaining on the Enterprise to do some practice drills, but he assured them that within a few days, they too, would be able to join the others. Captain Picard had several meetings scheduled with some of the stations's top officers, and Beverly and Deanna had beamed down together, giggling, ready for an exciting day of shopping. This station's stores were renowned throughout Starfleet as some of the best in the galaxy. Will Riker pretended to stay behind, said he had something to tend to, but really he wanted to secretly do some shopping for a wedding ring for Deanna. He heard there was an expensive jewelry store down on the station, and had viewed some of the rings online. He had been saving his credits, plus a few bars of latinum he'd won at Quark's bar. He would give Beverly and Deanna time to get their shopping done, then he would beam down and head directly for that store. He had dinner plans with Deanna that evening at the fanciest restaurant on the base, with reservations right by the window, where they could view the rainbow rings of the planet Mezda amongst the stars. He'd had to pull a few strings to get that seat on such short notice. But nothing was too good for his imzadi.

"Oh Bev, I need to find a really really nice dress for tonight" Deanna said, enthusiastically to her partner. "Will is taking me to "Le Fromage Bon". "Wheww" Beverly whistled. "That's the most expensive restaurant around. It must be special. Do you think he's going to ask you tonight?" Beverly wiggled her eyebrows. Deanna smiled. "I don't know, Bev. We haven't really talked about it much. I think we're just so happy with the way things are going now. He might surprise me, though." Beverly smiled and the two of them headed into a café for lunch before they began their search. They enjoyed chicken salad sandwiches and Vulcan tea in the airy atrium, then headed for the clothing stores. "What do you have in mind?" Beverly asked. "Something that will completely blow him away" Deanna replied as she fingered through the dresses on the rack. "Oh, look!" she exclaimed as she pulled one off the rack. It was emerald green and satin. The sleeves went off the shoulders just a bit and came down into a v-neck. It was fitted to her body like a satin glove. It stopped just above the knees, an inch or two lower in the back. "Oh Bev, I can't believe it. This is perfect!" "Hold on now, Deanna, you haven't even tried it on yet" Beverly chided as she took her friend's elbow and pushed her gently towards the fitting rooms.

An hour and a half later Beverly and Deanna returned to Deanna's room where she was staying on the base. They were exhausted. Deanna had indeed bought the emerald dress as it had looked perfect on her. She bought silver stiletto sandals and silver dangling earrings and short necklace. "I'm so excited, I just can't wait for tonight!" Deanna exclaimed. Beverly grinned from ear to ear. "I'm so happy for you Deanna. Both you and Will. It's about time." Deanna crinkled her nose and grinned even more. "and what about you and the Captain, Bev? Is that what you bought your dress for?" Beverly held up the red silk dress she had in her hands, eyeing it admiringly. "Well, if he sees me in it. We're both supposed to attend a reception this evening, so I thought I'd wear something that would…um….catch his eye. And with that, I shall leave you alone to your afternoon's primping and return to my room to get ready. Beverly turned to leave knowing Deanna would want to take a long luxurious bubble bath, then do her hair, then do her nails, then apply a facial mask, then put on her make-up…..

Meanwhile Will had quietly beamed down to Darzon Diamonds, Starbase's 21 premiere jewelry store. "Something for the lady?" the sales associated asked as he saw Will staring into one of the cases. "Yes" Will said. "Something as sparkling as her smile. No price is too high." With that the jeweler pulled out the velvet tray of the best wedding rings that they carried. Will's eye was immediately drawn to one that seemed to be covered in thousands of tiny diamonds, with a large blue sapphire perched in the middle. The sapphire was so dark, that it reminded him of Deanna's eyes. "This one" he said as he pointed to it. The jeweler removed it and handed it to Will, he placed it on his pinky finger and held it up to the light. "That wouldn't be my style" a lovely voice said from behind him. Will swung around to see a woman standing there, and instantly he felt something. What was it? Lust? Curiosity? Excitement? "Oh. Well then it's a good thing I'm not buying it for you." He noticed her long blonde hair was straight and silken, her blue eyes were absolutely gorgeous. She walked in front of him, her eyebrows raised. "but why would you buy it for anyone? There are far better rings available." Will arched one brow at this woman's outspokenness. "This one reminds me of something" he replied. "Oh. Well then, I supposed that's OK." She smiled at him, crinkling her eyes in a teasing manner. Will laughed and held out his hand. "Commander William Riker, first officer of the Enterprise". She took his hand and shook it firmly. "Lena Schwartz. It looks like we might be stuck with each other for awhile, Commander." Will looked at her strangely. "I'm a Scientist. One of the scientists that will be hitching a ride on the Enterprise to our next laboratory on Delta 5." Will then understood. "Oh, so you must have arrived early, didn't take the shuttle with the other scientists?" "No, I had some business to attend to, so I just came here when I was done. I've been here a couple of days. Have you been to the pool yet? It's magnificent. I'll be there later this evening. Maybe I'll run into you." Lena said. Will shook his head no. "I've got plans, but I'm sure I'll see you around." "Well then, it was a pleasure meeting you, Will" Lena said as she turned to go. Will found himself watching her for a moment, then brought his attention back to the ring. He recognized the familiar feeling of a desire to pursue someone that he'd always had when he met an attractive woman, and no wonder since that had been his style for so very many years. But not anymore. He held the ring up to the jeweler and smiled. "I'll take this one" he said.

Deanna entered the restaurant, unsure of where Will was sitting. He said to meet him there, that he would be at the best table in the house. She saw that three walls of the restaurant were floor to ceiling windows and immediately one particular window caught her eyes. There, nestled into a million tiny stars, was a green planet with seven rings surrounding it, each one a different color; like a rainbow. Deanna gasped at the magnificent sight, it sent goosebumps down her arms. Then she looked below the window to the table and there was Will, grinning like a Cheshire cat. "_Come in, imzadi_" he thoughtcast to her in a seductive voice. "_I can't believe how you look. You just look so_…" He paused for emphasis…"_hot_."

Deanna shivered slightly as she returned his gaze with passion. She sauntered slowly up to the table, swaying her hips the way he so loved, never realizing that every eye in the place was on her. "Looks like you garnered a whole lot of attention" Will said as he took her hand and led her to her seat. Deanna glanced around and saw most of the people looking at her. "Oh" she said, looking down in embarrassment, her cheeks turning red.

"You sure know how to turn heads Deanna" Will said with a smirk as he pushed the chair in for her and returned to his own. Deanna rolled her eyes. "There's only one head I'm interested in turning" she said slyly, looking him in the eyes. Will shook his head. "Already did that. About twenty years ago. Never was able to turn it back." Deanna tilted her head back and laughed melodiously as she grabbed Will's hand and squeezed it. "I'm the luckiest woman in the world" she said as she lifted up his hand and kissed it with a loud smooch. Will's eyes took her in again and he sighed with contentment. Then they both took up their menus and perused them. They ordered steak diane from earth and sauced vegetables from Betazed. For dessert, Deanna just had to have the kataran chocolate puff. They ate lustily, smacking their lips, and then sat holding hands staring at the breathtaking view out of their window. "This couldn't have been a more perfect night, Will" Deanna said as she sipped the last of her martini. "Thank you." Will turned from gazing out the window to gazing at Deanna. He reached up and tenderly grazed his fingers across her cheek. Her beauty still captivated him, after all these years. Then he grazed his finger across her lips, sending a shiver down her spine. "Let's go" he whispered as he took her hand and led her away from the table. Moments later they were back in his room, he had sat down on the couch and pulled her into his lap. She relaxed into his arms and pulled her knees up beside him. She placed both hands on his chest as she leaned in to kiss him lightly. She pulled back just as he tried to kiss her harder. "_Imzadi, you're teasing me_" he spoke into her mind. Deanna had a devilish grin on her face. "_Yes I am_". she replied. Will grabbed firmly one hand around her waist and the other behind her head. "That's not nice" he said in his smooth Will Riker voice as her drew her face back to his. Deanna did not resist and welcomed his warm mouth on hers. Will's mouth was hungry, greedy, as he pressed his lips into her, teasing, tasting her with his tongue, running his fingers up and down her spine. Deanna shivered. Will pulled back. "What's wrong imzadi? Don't like to be teased?" Deanna caught her breath and clutched tightly to his arms. "_I think I like it well enough_" she replied into his mind as she sat back against his arm around her and lifted her fingers to trace his beard, and then his full lips, all the while gazing into his eyes. Will couldn't take anymore and grabbed her wrists, gently laying her back on the cushions. "_Imzadi_" he whispered hungrily into her mind as he lay on top of her and began to kiss her with passion, opening his mind to her, she opening her mind to his. All the feelings rushed into both of them, at such a deep level that they both gasped. It was as if they were being branded with each other. The heat caused Will to break out in a sheen of sweat all over his body, thrusting his tongue deeper into Deanna's mouth, she opening all of herself to him with everything she had. Deanna arched her back in pleasure, trying to take all of him inside herself. All of a sudden, the essence of all that Deanna was flowed into Will and swirled around in him over and over until he could barely tell where she ended and he began. And Will felt something. Something he'd never felt before with her. Something that scared him. Will felt trapped.

"What is it Will?" Deanna said, breathing heavily, as Will had suddenly sat up from their lovemaking, a bewildered look in his eyes. "n-nothing" Will stammered, standing hastily. He felt like he was choking. He felt like he was suffocating. He remembered feeling the same way with his father, like his father was trying to control him, control every aspect of his life. But Deanna wasn't trying to control him. Why did he feel this way? "I think I'm going to turn in now" he said as he took a few steps back towards his bedroom. Deanna knew something was wrong. Terribly wrong. But she had no idea what. She knew in times like these, it was best to allow him to work it out for himself. "Alright, my love" she said softly. "I'll see you in the morning." With that Deanna slowly walked towards the door, looking back once more at Will, trying to understand. "I love you Will" she said gently, as she walked out the door.

Will's heart was pounding hard in his chest. He kept trying to fall asleep, with no success. He didn't know why he was feeling what he was, but it was keeping him awake. Troubling him. Disturbing him. He didn't like that feeling. He put his feet over the edge of the bed and sat, staring at the wall for a few moments. "Well, if I'm not going to sleep, I might as well make good use of the starbase" he thought to himself as he walked to his dresser, opened a drawer and grabbed his swim trunks.

The pool was nearly empty save for four or five people. Most had turned in for the night. It was a beautiful large pool, with waterfalls at either end, several jacuzzis, and tropical plants. Will thought how much Deanna would love it, as he stood on the edge, deciding if he was ready to dive in. "Well, you could stand there all night, or you could just take the plunge" he heard a familiar voice behind him. He turned to see Lena standing there, her lean figure barely covered in a black bikini. Will caught his breath. She walked around to stand beside him. "So you decided to come after all" she smiled. Will wondered for a moment if he had subconsciously come because he knew she'd be there. He banished the thought. "Couldn't sleep" he said simply. "Well…" Lena walked up close to him. "Maybe this will help". And she pushed him in the water. "Hey!…." He almost had time to yell before the loud splash overtook him. Will splashed around a bit before he got his bearings and surfaced to see Lena standing over the edge of the pool, laughing at him. "That wasn't funny!" Will yelled, slightly perturbed. "Oh yes it was. And you know it." Lena said as she knelt down by the edge. But before she could think what was happening, Will grabbed her arm and pulled her in with him. Lena screamed as she landed on top of Will and they both went underwater. When Will came up he saw that she was still well under water, so he reached down and grabbed her, and pulled her up, laughing himself this time. "Payback is a bitch, huh?" he said as her face surfaced. But she had a look of terror on her face. And it was red. And she was coughing and choking. "Lena, are you alright?" Will said, still holding on to her. "I-I can't swim" she sputtered between breaths. Will's eyes went wide. "Oh my god, I didn't know!" he exclaimed as he wrapped his arm around her and held her up, helping her to the stairs and up out of the water. He sat her down on one of the lounge chairs and rubbed and patted her back, trying to help her get more of the water out of her lungs. "My god, Lena, why didn't you say something? What the hell are you doing at the pool if you can't swim?" Lena looked up at him, wiping the water off her face. "There is a shallow end, Will" she said wryly. Will thought about that for a moment, then sat down next to her. "Lena, if I had known…" "It's OK Will. It's partly my fault for pushing you in." Will looked at Lena and grinned one of his famous Riker grins. Then Lena smiled and slowly they both started laughing. "I guess we're quite a pair, huh?" she said at the irony of the situation. "Yeah, we must've looked pretty stupid there, with me laughing and you drowning." They laughed some more. "You know Lena," Will began "it's not good that you don't know how to swim. I could teach you." Lena's eyebrows rose. "Really? Would you really take the time to do that?" she asked. Will shrugged his shoulders. "Got all night" he said as he stood and offered her his hand. Somewhere in the back of Will Riker's mind an alarm button went off. But at that moment he was feeling the antithesis of what he had felt before in his room….freedom. Freedom from being tied down. Freedom from attachment. Free to do whatever he damn well pleased with whomever he damn well pleased. And that feeling was too familiar to push it aside now. Will spent the rest of the night showing Lena how to swim and both of them getting to know each other. It was 1:00 pm before they left the pool, and as Lena said goodbye she said she'd hoped to see him again. Will had been honest with her, told her he was with Deanna, but she asked anyway. And Will assured her she would. As he entered the door to his room, Will sighed, finally feeling tired and ready to sleep. And in the room next door, a baffled Deanna Troi felt the presence of her imzadi coming back to his room, wondering where he had been and what he had been doing.

Will and Lena didn't run into each other for the rest of their stay on the starbase. Mostly because Will avoided her. He came to the conclusion that although he didn't understand the feelings he was having, he was sure of one thing. He didn't want to lose Deanna. Not again. Never again. So he pushed down the feelings and continued on with Deanna, as if nothing had happened. Deanna knew that whatever had happened to Will that night wasn't nothing, but she was relieved that Will was back to his old self. Their relationship quickly got back on track, so she decided not to question him about it. She wanted to believe that if there were a significant problem, he would eventually come to her. One thing she did notice, though, is that when they kissed, he kept shields up around his mind.

"Good morning Captain" Deanna said cheerfully as she trotted down the ramp to take her seat beside her superior officer. "Deanna!" the Captain greeted. "It's good to see you! I barely saw you at all down on the starbase. I'm assuming you spent all your time with a certain first officer of mine." "A certain one" Deanna smiled as she looked past the Captain to her imzadi, who was sitting on his other side and grinning widely at her. "pretty soon I'm either going to have to separate you two, or move out of my chair and let you sit next to each other" the Captain teased. Deanna smiled. "Really? Could you?" she teased back, as Will stifled a chuckle. "Alright everyone" Captain Picard said as he stood. "It's time to get to Risa. Time for some shore leave." Everyone smiled at each other as the Captain pointed off into the distance, "Engage".

After their shift was done, Will walked off the bridge with Deanna. "How about some lunch, beautiful?" he asked as he put his arm around her and stole a kiss in the corridor. "Mmmmm, that sounds good" Deanna said as she locked her arm in his and they strode towards ten forward. Will placed his free hand in his pocket and fingered the small trinket he had placed there. "Two more days" he thought to himself. In two days they would be on Risa and he would ask Deanna to marry him. He was so excited, he carried the ring with him everywhere he went. When they arrived at ten forward, they took a seat at their usual table in the corner by the long windows. Guinan immediately walked over, bringing their favorite drinks, whiskey for Will and andorian tea for Deanna. "we have a special today; baked Alaskan salmon" Guinan said as she winked at Will. Deanna wrinkled up her nose. "I'm not much of a fish person" she said as she looked up at Guinan, "but I'll try it. For Will's sake." "Good" Will smiled, taking her hands in his. "I used to spend a lot of time fishing with my dad and wild salmon was one of our best catches." Will's face turned sour. The thought of his dad caused that suffocating feeling again. It seemed to be associated with both his dad and with Deanna when their souls intertwined during intimate moments. What's wrong Will?" Deanna said, brushing her fingers across his cheek. The touch warmed him. "Oh nothing" Will replied, knowing that Deanna wouldn't believe that for a second. He made sure to keep is shields up as he cupped his hand around hers and pressed it to his cheek. "Really Dea, I'm fine." He lied. Just then, Guinan brought their meals and set them down on the table. "Oh yeah!" Will said, excitedly as Deanna crinkled up her nose again. "It smells like fish" she proclaimed, frowning. Will looked up at Guinan and arched and eyebrow. Guinan chuckled. "Of course it smells like fish, Dea, it is fish." Will pronounced as he picked up his fork to dig in. Just then, something caught his eye. Or rather, someone. There, sitting a few tables away, was Lena, animatedly talking and laughing with several other women. Her laughter was contagious, her face was happy. She was obviously telling them something funny, as they were laughing too. He couldn't help but notice her form-fitting uniform, the softness of her long blonde hair the way her eyes lit up when she laughed. He wondered if she knew he'd been avoiding her. He wondered if she knew why. He wondered why he was still having these familiar feelings of wanting to pursue someone when he was in love with another.

Will's transfixed gaze did not go unnoticed by Deanna. She turned around to see who Will was looking at. The very bubbly and very blonde Lena was obviously the object of his revelry. Deanna turned back around, a deeply hurt look on her face. "Will?" she asked in a quiet voice. This caught Will's attention and he turned his gaze back to Deanna. Caught. He'd been caught. And he could see how wounded she felt. "It's not what it looks like Deanna" he quickly tried to come up with something. "I know her. I mean….I met her. I met her down on the starbase. She just an acquaintance." Deanna sat there for a moment. "Do you always stare so intensely at your acquaintances, Will?" Just then a person stepped up in front of their table. "Will!" Lena cried. "I haven't seen you since the night you taught me how to swim back on the starbase! I've missed our time together! I've been practicing, you know. Maybe we could get together on the holodeck and go swimming again. I promise not push you in this time!" Will sat back in horror, trying quickly to think of something to say. Anything. Deanna's mouth was agape. She couldn't believe what she was hearing. She didn't know if she was more hurt that he'd had a semi-intimate time with this woman, or that he hadn't told her about it. And then he'd tried to pass her off as just an acquaintance. He'd lied to her. Lena looked at Deanna and smiled widely. "Hello, I'm Lena Schwartz. Will is quite a good teacher, you know." Deanna stood abruptly, knocking over her tea. The antagonistic feelings she was getting from this woman, as well as Will's guilt, had overwhelmed her. "It's nice to meet you Lena, but I'm afraid I need to be going. I'll allow you two to get re-acquainted." Underneath Deanna's calm exterior, Will could see she was absolutely seething. As Deanna left, Lena walked over and took her seat. "Oh my god, was that Deanna?" Lena exclaimed after Deanna had left the area. "Oh Will, I'm so sorry. Did I say something I shouldn't have?" Will looked into Lena's eyes and saw that she genuinely felt bad, though he knew she must have been trying to antagonize Deanna a little bit. He reached up and rested his hand on her arm. "No Lena, you didn't do anything wrong. This is all my fault. I'll explain it later." With that, he took off after Deanna.

When he got to her quarters, she wouldn't let him in. After begging, and pleading, he finally used his override. He found her standing in the corner, arms wrapped tightly around herself, staring out at the stars. She wasn't as upset about the fact that Will hadn't told her about Lena, but more about the feelings she sensed from him for this woman. "Deanna" he said softly. She swung around. "What Will? What do you want? Don't you want to be with Lena teaching her some other recreational activities? Apparently I wasn't invited to the party." Her anger hung in the air. Will looked down, then looked back up at her. "Deanna, it was nothing. I pushed her into the pool. She couldn't swim. I decided to teach her how. I didn't think it was significant enough to tell you about." "Stop!." she demanded. "Stop lying to me Will! You've been distancing from me for weeks and now I find out that you and this other person, what was her name? Lena had spent some time together that apparently was significant enough that you were afraid to tell me about it. I find you staring at her in a way that you usually only stare at me. And you won't be honest with me about any of it. Don't you realize I could just read your thoughts _imzadi_ and find out the truth? Why are you lying to me?" The way Deanna had used the word imzadi and the tone she was taking with him began to annoy him. Instead of explaining everything the way he'd wanted to for a long time now, he lashed out at her. "Oh give me a break, Deanna! Don't you think you're being a little overly dramatic here? It wasn't a big deal! She's just a friend!" He was yelling now and this made Deanna angrier than ever. "Get out! Just get out!" she screamed at him. "I'll be glad to!" he yelled back as he turned and stormed out of her quarters. "Damn Betazoid!" he thought to himself. He'd been angry at Deanna before, but never like this. He was deeply resenting her Betazoid heritage and wasn't completely sure why. All he knew was that he wanted to be away from her. Far away. He returned to ten forward to find Lena still sitting there staring at the stars. "Mind if I join you?" he asked as he sat across from her. Lena smiled at him. "It looks like you could use some company." She said.

Deanna's heart was clenched tightly in her chest. She wasn't sure what was going on. Was Will actually interested in this other woman? She couldn't imagine. Things had been going so well between them, they were so in love. But why was he acting this way? She shuddered at the pain she was feeling in her heart and wrapped her arms tighter around herself. She swallowed hard, trying to fight back the tears. Then she turned and saw something shiny on the floor. She bent down to pick it up and lifted it to get a good look at it. She gasped. A ring. An engagement ring. Had Will dropped this? "Oh my god imzadi" Deanna breathed. "You were going to ask me to marry you". Suddenly contrite, realizing that perhaps she had overreacted, Deanna tucked the ring into her tunic and headed out the door.

"I take it Deanna didn't take things too well" Lena said to Will. "No, she didn't" he replied. "I should have told her. We didn't do anything wrong." Will looked into Lena's eyes. "Did we?" Lena shrugged. "You tell me. The only thing I know is that I really enjoyed your company and really wanted to see you again." If Will was honest with himself, he knew he would admit the same thing. He put his face in his hands and rubbed his fingers through his beard. "Everything's so damn confusing right how" he mumbled. Lena felt bad, she hadn't meant to cause him this kind of pain. She reached over and placed her hands on his arms, her forehead close to his. "I'm sorry Will, I'll stay away from you if you want." Will looked up at her. "No" he said. That feeling of suffocation engulfed him again. "I can choose who I want to hang out with, and I want to hang out with you." At this Lena smiled. She had hoped that would be his response. A dark figure stood in the doorway, watching the entire interaction.

Will and Lena had talked for two hours, continuing to get to know each other, fascinated with each other's history. Will felt so free with her. He walked her back to her quarters, then returned to his own, barely giving Deanna a thought until he walked by her door. He was still angry at her, and he knew that wasn't fair. He thought for a moment of ringing her chime, then thought better of it. He walked on by and entered his quarters. The room was half-lit but Will hadn't remembered leaving the lights on. Then he saw her. Sitting on his couch. Deanna. Will gulped. She would probably know where he had been, who he had been with. "I know where you were and who you were with" she replied. "Damnit Deanna, stop reading my thoughts!" Will barked. Deanna stood, fists clenched at her sides. "I didn't read your mind, Will. I saw you. Sitting at the table with her in ten forward looking quite….cozy." Deanna's voice was cold, controlled. Will looked at the ceiling and then turned away from her. All he could feel was anger, even though he knew he was most certainly in the wrong. Deanna rounded on him. "How could you Will? I thought you were committed to me, we were committed to each other? How could you do this to us again?" Will gritted his teeth, and clenched his own fists. When he turned to her, she had never seen so much animosity on his face. "Maybe I don't want to be committed anymore. To anyone." His voice was cold, distant. Deanna gasped, feeling a tear in her heart. "Are you serious Will? Are you breaking up with me? Why?" now Deanna's voice had changed. It was frightened, pained. He knew he had just shattered her heart. The heart of his sweet imzadi. Will's conscience tugged at him for a moment. Then his voice softened. He looked into her wide dark eyes that were brimming with tears. "Deanna" he said. He thought for a moment, then said the only thing he could to communicate his feelings. "I feel trapped." Deanna looked at him in astonishment. "Trapped?" she said, trying desperately to hang on to self-control. "Have I done anything to cause you to feel trapped?" Will shook his head. She hadn't. She had never done anything but given him his freedom. "No. Yes. I don't know. I just don't think I can do this, Deanna." The expression on her face told Will he had now crushed her soul. He was doing it to her again. "Do what?" Deanna asked, knowing full well the answer. Her voice had cracked when she asked it. Will sighed and ran his hand through his beard. He knew he was breaking her heart and his own as well, but all he could do was demand his freedom. Something inside him just needed to get away. "Us" he said flatly. "I can't do us anymore. I can't do… _imzadi_." There. He'd said it. That's what he had been feeling. Deanna's face looked perplexed and bewildered. She just stared at him with so much hurt in her eyes, it pierced right through to his soul. Will swallowed. "I'm sorry imzadi. I can't do this anymore." It was his final statement. And she knew it. Something in him had closed down, and it was closed towards her. And he had no intention of opening it. Deanna wrapped her arms tightly around herself, and began to sob. "You bastard!" she sobbed. "I let you do this to me again! My god, how could I have been such a fool to think you had changed?" She wanted to pound on his chest, but kept her arms tightly contained. A small tear slipped down Will's cheek. Deanna took a step back, squared her shoulders and lifted her chin. She fought hard to get her sobbing under control and after a few moments, she did. Then she spoke in a clear calm voice, being certain she was fully heard. "Are you sure, Will Riker? Because this better be final with you. I'm not going to ride this merry-go-round anymore. If you're done with us, then I'm done with you. Is this _really_ what you want, Will?" Will was quiet. He couldn't look at her. His silence spoke volumes. Deanna stifled a horrific sob as she squeezed her arms tighter and walked around him and headed towards the door. It was over. She was in a state of shock. It had all taken her completely by surprise. Her, an empath. She felt so stupid. Will felt frozen and numb. He turned to watch her go. Just before she got to the door she turned back around. "Oh, you dropped this." She said sarcastically as she pulled out the engagement ring and threw it on the floor. Then she walked out of Will Rikers' quarters, and out of his life, for the last time. Will picked the ring up off the floor and felt a momentary stab in his heart. Then he quickly threw it in a drawer and headed out the door to go find Lena.

"What happened, Beverly?" Captain Picard asked his breakfast partner one morning. It had been two weeks and he had felt nothing but coldness between Will and Deanna. Certainly they were still performing their duties well enough, but personally they were a million miles away. "Did they break up?" Jean-Luc asked the question, even as he realized how ridiculous it was. "I don't know, Jean-Luc" Beverly replied. "Deanna won't talk to me. But that's going to change tonight. We have an appointment in my quarters, doctor's orders. She's obviously struggling deeply with something, and it's time to get to the bottom of it." "Ah, good work Doctor" the Captain affirmed her. "Keep me apprised". "I will, Jean-Luc. I will".

Deanna stood outside the door to her friend's quarters. She hated it when Beverly pulled rank on her, but she knew it was coming. She couldn't hide the pain, anger, rage, anguish she was feeling inside for long. Eventually someone would ask her about it. She was just glad it was Beverly and not the Captain. She thought over the past two weeks, how her entire life had changed in just one twenty minute span of time. "How could I have been so damn stupid?" she chided herself for the millionth time. She felt like such a fool for having taken another chance on Will. Why did she ever think he could change? But the problem was, she still loved him. She knew it. From the bottom of her heart. She had resigned herself to the fact that she would probably love her imzadi for the rest of her life. Deanna dropped her shoulders and sighed. He had tried to contact her several times since their breakup. Each time, Deanna ignored his transmissions. He grabbed her arm once just after a senior officers meeting and she aggressively yanked it away. "Unless you intend to tell me, Will, that you have changed your mind, we have nothing to talk about." He stood there looking at her, he had not changed his mind. She turned and walked away. She was glad at least she was handling this with dignity and her own sense of pride, not groveling or begging. But inside her stomach was twisted, her heart burning in pain. At night she felt like she was going to die, the pain so all consuming. And the worst part of it was, she still was not completely sure what had prompted Will to break up with her. But she did know that on the rare occasion she went to ten forward, she saw him with her.

Dr. Crusher's door slid open. "Come in" the red-haired doctor said as Deanna stood there. "Hi Bev" she said resignedly as she entered the apartment. "have a seat" Beverly said cheerfully as she motioned toward the couch. She had set out croissants, Betazed oskoid, and mini sandwiches with Deanna's favorite, andorian tea. "Bev, you really didn't need to bribe me" Deanna said. "I knew I couldn't get away for long without telling you what was going on." "Then consider it a lunch between friends" Bev said as she sat down beside Deanna. She notice Deanna had dark circles under her eyes and her hair was a mess. "Deanna, you look awful". "why, thank you Beverly" Deanna snorted, rolling her eyes. This felt so good to be with a friend. She had kept everything tucked inside for two weeks. This was the first real contact she'd had with someone who cared about her. Then Beverly said two simple words. The words of a really good friend. "Tell me".

For two hours Deanna told Beverly all that had happened between her and Will. At one point she broke down sobbing, and her friend had held her until she could speak again. Her eyes were swollen and her throat hurt, but she continued until she got it all out. Her shattered heart, her confusion, the fact that no matter how many times she went over it in her mind, she couldn't come up with a valid reason why Will had done it. "Maybe he just fell in love with another woman" Deanna cried into Beverly's shoulder. Beverly thought for a moment, answering carefully. "Yes, I've seen him with her" she replied as Deanna looked up into her eyes. Beverly rubbed her back soothingly and Deanna laid her head back down on her shoulder. "But Deanna, I _know_ you and Will, and I've seen him with you since the Briar Patch. I've never seen him so taken with someone, not even with you during those beginning years on the Enterprise. That man's whole world was you." "Maybe that was the problem" Deanna replied as she finally sat back up. "What do you mean?" Beverly inquired. Deanna wiped the tears away from her cheeks with both her hands. "Will said he felt trapped. The imzadi bond is pretty intense. Betazoids revel in it, but sometimes it's harder for humans. " "But isn't that the very thing that kept you two so in love with each other, so crazy about each other?" Deanna nodded her head yes. Then she spoke, her voice quivering. "Maybe Will just couldn't handle the closeness." With that Deanna began to cry again, the pain of the whole situation becoming more real to her now. "Beverly" she said between choked sobs "how can I live without him?" Beverly's emotions were going back and forth between love and compassion for her friend, and rage at Will Riker. She'd deal with Will later. "Well for now you're going to take care of Deanna." Deanna looked up at Beverly with concern in her eyes. "You're going to relieve me of duty aren't you?" "Well, sort of" Beverly replied. "Do you remember that one month Sabbatical you earned at ten years that you never took?" Deanna shook her head, not liking where this was going. "Well, you're going to take it now." "What? No!" Deanna protested strongly. Beverly waited for Deanna to calm down, then took her hand in her own. "Dea, just think about it. One month to do anything you want. To sleep all day if you want to. To spend the day in the spa. Stay in your room or go out, your choice. All the pressure off." When she put it like that, Deanna was thinking it sounded pretty good. "You need to grieve, Deanna. You've just lost your imzadi. That's a nearly unbearable loss." Deanna's eyes welled up with tears again. "But you've been trying to be strong for the ship and the crew. Now it's time to be there for Deanna." Deanna knew her friend was speaking words of wisdom. But she wasn't sure that she wanted to go through the grieving process. It was too familiar, especially this time. She'd really rather avoid the pain. She knew she couldn't. "Alright, Bev, I'll take the Sabbatical" Deanna conceded. Bev squeezed her hand. "Good. I'll talk to Jean-Luc tomorrow. I don't think he'll be surprised." Deanna nodded, and then the agonizing pain came up all over again and she began to sob. Beverly took her in her arms and rocked her gently back and forth, a few tears streaming down her own cheeks. They stayed like that well into the night, until Deanna had no more tears to cry.

The next morning Beverly marched to ten forward, where she knew Will was having breakfast. She walked in and sure enough, he was sitting with that new blonde woman. Beverly's blood boiled. She marched right up to the table and looked at Lena. "Would you excuse us please?" she tried to feign politeness. Lena looked at Will who nodded his head. "I'll see you in the holodeck later" she said to Will as she squeezed his hand. Beverly bit her tongue to keep from lashing out at this woman she didn't even know. When Lena was gone, Beverly sat down. "Will" she started right in. "What the hell are you thinking?" Will squared his shoulders and lifted his chin. He had been expecting this. "it's none of your business Beverly" he tried to sound sure of himself. "It became my business when I spent the entire night comforting your imzadi because you've hurt her so horribly" Beverly replied. "_Again_." Will grew angry; he couldn't deal with the pain of how much he had hurt Deanna. "Back off Bev" he said sternly, giving her a warning look. "Alright Will." She replied coolly. "I'll back off. In fact, I'll back right out of your life. I don't want to be your friend anymore Will Riker. You've become someone I don't know in doing this to Deanna a second time. My god Will, how could you do this again? You're someone I don't want to know." With that she stood, gave him a very angry glare, then turned and left, walking out of ten forward. Beverly was furious. The pain she felt at losing Will's friendship was nothing compared to the satisfaction she felt telling off the man who had so wounded her friend. Will sighed and clasped his palm to his face. Things seemed to be unraveling more and more, and he looked desperately around for Lena.

Deanna Troi was in mourning. The man she had loved all of her life, the one who had loved her, was gone. It was if he had died…except he hadn't. She mused that it might have been less painful for her if he had. Her emotions went back and forth between anger at herself for letting this happen again, and rage at Will for ending their relationship. "How could he?" became a chant that echoed over and over again in her mind, haunting her dreams, punctuating her waking hours. She never could come up with a definitive answer, which made it all the more painful.

The morning after she had left Beverly's quarters, she spent the next two days in bed. She had no appetite, and all she wanted to do was cry, and sleep, and make it all go away. Deep heaving sobs came out of her, her stomach hurt from all of the muscle contractions, her head throbbed and her eyes were swollen like balloons. She didn't care. At that moment in time, all she wanted to do was die. Everytime she saw his face, imagined caressing his soft cheek with her fingers, felt his warm, loving arms around her, she just wanted to die. After those two days had passed however, she reminded herself of what Beverly had told her, that this was a time for Deanna to take care of herself while she grieved. And then she reminded herself of who she was. She was Deanna Troi, holder of the sacred chalice of rixx, heir to the holy rings of Betazed, daughter of the fifth house. With these assurances running through her mind, she sat up in bed for the first time. She sucked in a shuddering breath, placed her hands on her knees, and lifted her chin slightly. "I can do this. I can survive. I am Deanna Troi." she thought to herself. Just then the chime rang. Deanna didn't want to see anyone and she shrunk back quickly. "It's safe, Deanna, it's me" she heard Beverly say through the door.

Deanna stood and told the computer to release the door. She had changed her command codes, so Will could no longer have access. Beverly walked in, all smiles and cheer. She held a huge, gooey, chocolate cake in her hands. "I figured you could use this" she said to Deanna as she set it down on the table. Then she took a look at Deanna, standing there. Her hair was disheveled and obviously hadn't been washed in several days. Her eyes were red and puffy, almost swollen closed. Her skin was patchy, her nightgown wrinkled and limp. Beverly chuckled. "God, Deanna you look awful. But, I expected as much". Deanna rolled her eyes. "Thanks, Bev". Beverly walked over to her and placed a hand on her arm. "Today begins your healing process, Dea" she said. "First, we're going to pig out on chocolate cake for breakfast, then I'm going to run a bath and you're going to luxuriate and pamper yourself for the rest of the day. Captain Picard approved your sabbatical, he said it was well deserved. Everyone has been instructed to leave you alone, which I think he did for Will's benefit. A warning to stay away from you; he's already done enough damage. But I have special dispensation to be here." Deanna managed a half smile as she walked into the main room and plopped herself down on a chair. "Have you seen him?" she asked in a small voice, as a pain rippled through her heart. Beverly's face grew serious as she walked over to the couch carrying plates, forks and the cake which she placed on the small coffee table in front of them. "Yes" she said, simply. Deanna looked up at her with pleading eyes, not sure if she was asking Beverly to fill her in, or to not tell her anything. Beverly sighed. "Deanna, I will always be honest with you. I talked to Will two days ago, the morning after you left. I told him I didn't want anything to do with him anymore, except for professional reasons. I've had it with his shenanigans." Deanna knew what it cost Beverly to do that. Will was her friend too. "Was he with…her?" Deanna almost couldn't make herself say it. But she had to know. Beverly looked at her with sad eyes. "Yes" she replied. Deanna hiccupped a small sob as the pain overtook her heart again. "He's an ass, Deanna." Beverly said simply. Deanna snorted through her tears. "Oh god he is such an asshole. The biggest one!" she exclaimed as they both burst out laughing. Deanna alternated between crying and laughing hysterically. She was so grateful for Beverly's friendship. It would help her survive.

They feasted on chocolate cake and Bev did indeed run Deanna a bath in her Jacuzzi tub, making sure to add exotic oils and bubbles and had the jets running when she went out to Deanna. "Now get in that tub and stay as long as you need. Then make yourself a snack and watch some good fleet TV. Read a good book. Write in a journal. Make yourself a tasty healthy lunch. Do mok 'bara. And grieve, my friend. Just grieve. Doctor's orders." Deanna smiled as Beverly gave her a big hug. "Thanks Bev" she managed to get out through the tears that just wouldn't stop coming. "You're a good friend." Beverly nodded to her as she turned and left Deanna's quarters, leaving Deanna alone again to hide in her solitude. Deanna felt the aloneness like a stark midnight in her soul, but the solitude felt comforting. She went to the bathroom, slipped off her nightgown and eased herself down into the warm bubbling water. The scents and steam soothed her, and she knew she had taken her first step towards healing.

After one week, Deanna was feeling a small amount better. Beverly had convinced her to join her for lunch in ten forward, but as soon as they entered the door, they saw Will and Lena sitting together at a table. Will had his arm around her. Deanna turned abruptly around and headed back to her quarters. She knew she would have to come to terms with this and move past it, at least enough to function in her job and on board the ship. The following week there was to be a reception for a high profile Ambassador who was hitching a ride on the Enterprise to his next assignment. Deanna wanted to be ready for that. She steeled her heart as she knew Will and Lena would be there. She and Beverly went shopping in the ship's stores for their gowns, it was to be formal. She visited the spa and got her hair and nails done. She had lost weight and was slimmer, but still had her curves and looked absolutely gorgeous. Beverly had changed into her gown and joined Deanna in her quarters. When Deanna walked out, Beverly gasped. "Oh god, Dea, you look stunning!" Deanna had chosen a silvery blue gown that sparkled, strapless, a fitted bodice, and a train going out from the back. When she walked it shimmered in the light and accentuated the sway of her hips. She wore high heels and her daughter of the fifth house diamond jewelry and tiara. She decided this night she would be Deanna Troi, royalty of Betazed. She studied herself in the mirror and decided she liked what she saw. "Do you really think I can do this?" she asked her friend. "Yes, you can. And I'll be right by your side" Beverly replied.

They walked up to the door of ten forward which was open. Inside everyone was talking and laughing joyously, the Ambassador seated with his son and the Captain off to the side, many of the guests mingling around the bar where Guinan was in her glory, making exotic drinks for everyone. The lights were low and small sparkling bulbs on strings lit up the ceiling. Deanna's eyes scanned the room and she knew exactly what for. And there he was. In the center table with Geordi, Worf, Data, and…Lena. Sitting oh so close to him. Deanna took in a deep breath and centered herself. "Let's go" she said to Beverly as they entered the room. Their names were announced, as was the custom for this Ambassador's culture. Everyone turned to look at them, and someone let out a low appreciative whistle. Deanna held her head high as she walked in, allowing her beauty to shine as brightly as the stars. She could feel Will's eyes on her. She could sense his presence in her mind. She walked directly towards his table with Beverly following behind, watching his eyes grow wide. Then she turned abruptly and headed towards the Ambassador's table. She felt Will's eyes follow her all the way there.

"Deanna, Beverly, I'd like you to meet Ambassador Carlin and his son, Darmen. Captain Picard said as he stood and made the introductions. The Ambassador and his son stood as well. The Ambassador was getting on in years, and his son was probably around Deanna's age. And quite handsome. They shook each other's hands and all sat down together, engaging in delightful conversation for some time until the music began playing and Darmen asked Deanna to dance. Deanna accepted gratefully, happy for the chance to divert her attention away from Will. She had not looked at him all night, but Beverly had made note that he apparently couldn't take his eyes off of her. Certainly Lena wouldn't have been too happy about that. Deanna chuckled as she swirled around the dance floor with her new partner and friend. She tried her best to truly enjoy herself, but it was hard. Her heart was still attached to the man who had been sitting behind her, sitting with another woman. And yet, she danced, laughed, talked, and socialized. When the evening drew to a close, she and Darmen had exchanged information and he promised to contact her again. Beverly yawned and told Deanna how proud she was of her. "Care to call it a night?" she asked. Deanna nodded and said "Yes, but there's one more thing I have to do." Beverly looked at Deanna curiously as she followed her, heading over to the table of Will and his friends. Bev's eyes grew wide but she bit her lip, determined to let Deanna handle this her own way. "Hello everyone" Deanna said with a smile. She was aware that everyone knew she'd been on Sabbatical, and she was aware that everyone knew why. "You look drop-dead gorgeous tonight Counselor" Geordi said with a whistle. "I must concur" Worf said stoically. Will and Lena just sat there, silent. "Counselor, I see you have been dancing all night with the Ambassador's son. Are you now "reunited" with him?" Data asked innocently, as the tension at the table suddenly grew. Deanna chuckled, feeling Will's nervousness in particular, and said "Data, to be reunited we have to be united first. And that part we're working on." "Ah" Data replied as Worf and Geordi shook their heads in approval. "Well, we're going to call it a night, but I just wanted to stop by and say hello. I hope you all have a wonderful evening." Then as she was leaving she turned towards Will and Lena, nodding to them politely. "Will, Lena". With that, and head held high, she turned to leave as Beverly waved to everyone and then walked quickly to catch up with her friend. "Wow. That was some performance." she said as they walked out of the doors of ten forward. "Yes" Deanna said, her voice weak, as a small tear slid down her cheek.

The last two weeks of Deanna's Sabbatical seemed to go quickly. She felt stronger each day. She knew the pain would always be there to some extent, but she also knew now that she could go on living. She could survive, at least, without Will Riker. She may never desire to be in relationship again, the idea of singleness appealing to her now more than ever, but she was strong and she had so much life left to live. She was sitting in Beverly's office receiving her final evaluation. "Well, doc, what do you think? Am I fit for duty?" Beverly smiled at her. "Physically, yes. Mentally, probably. You tell me." Deanna blew a breath out through her lips. "I don't think it will be easy" Deanna said, honestly. Bev nodded. "but I do think I can do it. I'd like to try." "Alright" Beverly said, "we'll do this on a day by day basis. But you report to me the minute you feel overwhelmed or like you can't do your job properly." Deanna nodded. "Oh, and Deanna?" Bev continued. "You have to work this out with Will somehow. You can't just show up on the bridge tomorrow with the animosity between you two. I won't tell you what to do or how to do it, but you need to come to some sort of understanding with him. He's your Commanding Officer." Deanna understood. She dreaded it, but she understood. She returned to her quarters to build up her emotional strength and decide how she was going to handle this.

Will's computer beeped and he pushed the button to open the message. "Commander I'd like to meet with you in your office. Is this a good time? Deanna." Will blinked several times. He knew this was coming. Deanna was scheduled to return to her job tomorrow. He sent her a reply. "Yes" was all it said. A few moments later the chime beeped on Commander Riker's door. With a trepidation in his heart and trying to hide the pain in his voice, Will said "Come". Deanna entered in full uniform, standing her full height, showing all of professionalism. "Have a seat Deanna" Will said. They both bristled at the formal tone of their communication. Deanna sat down, placed her hands on her knees, took a deep breath, and began. "Commander I'd like to let you know that I'm ready to report for duty tomorrow and Beverly has cleared me. And I want you to know that I will be professional and trustworthy in my job. I can promise you that I will perform as good, or better as I always have. On away teams, on the bridge, or otherwise. I will show you the respect according to your office and if there was ever a time when your life was in imminent harm or danger and I was in a position to do something about it, I would as I would for any officer on this ship. I want you to know, sir, that as an officer on this ship, you have my complete trust and my obedience."

Will stared at her, mouth agape. "Deanna…" he began, but she held her hand up to stop him. "Please Commander, let me finish. You owe me at least that much."

Will sat there, silent.

"However," Deanna began again, "and I can say this with utmost certainty, our relationship will never cross over into friendship. I will always be cordial, but not warm. I will do my duties for you without unnecessary conversation or friendly banter. We will not meet in either of our quarters for crew evaluations, but in neutral territory where there will be other people. I will be polite and professional when we are in the company of our friends, but not personal." For the first time since she'd entered his office, Deanna Troi stared him blatantly and directly in the eyes. "If this is not acceptable to your command style, then let me know and I will put in for a transfer." She was dead serious. And Will knew it. He nodded numbly to her. "It will be acceptable" he said in a small voice. Then he tried to speak again. "Deanna…" She held her hand up one last time to stop him. He closed his mouth. Then she took a moment to compose herself, drew in another breath, and sat up straight, slightly lifting her chin and her shoulders.

She addressed him by name this time, rather than office. "Will" she said, as she once again looked him directly in the eye through her haze of pain. "I want you to know that what you did, leading me to believe that you were in love with me, even wanting to marry me, then abruptly leaving me for another woman without any real explanation, has devastated me. My heart, my very soul, has been shattered into a million pieces and I may spend the rest of my life figuring out how to pick them up and put them back together." Will looked down. He could not handle the anguish emanating from her. Deanna fought, but lost her composure as a tear began to slip down her cheek. She looked up at him again, this time losing the professional tone. "I _loved_ you Will" she said in a grief-stricken, almost pleading voice. "We are _imzadi_". But Will just kept staring at the floor, biting his lip, holding back the pain. Deanna angrily wiped the tears off her face with the back of her hand as she stood. She turned to leave, walking towards the door, then stopped, with her back to him, looking at the ground. "If you ever come to a realization as to why you've done this" her voice was quivering now "why you left, what the real reason is going on deep in your heart, I would like to know." She lifted her chin and looked briefly over her shoulder at him. "It is the one and only time my door will be open to you." And with that, she walked out.

Will was left with his emptiness. He felt cold inside, so cold. He wanted to stop Deanna, tell her what she wanted to hear, but everytime he tried to access his love for her, their imzadi bond, there was nothingness. A hollow space inside him. A sense of dread whenever he was around her. He still couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he knew he could no longer be with her. It was just so much easier to be with Lena. He sat back in his chair, ran his hand through his beard, and steeled himself to begin serving with her on the bridge the next morning.

The next few weeks and months were hard for Deanna. She had healed enough to do her job, and do it well, but still cried herself to sleep at night. There were times in ten forward when she saw Will with Lena, and it still crushed her. She had hoped Will might come to her door with an explanation, but he hadn't. She continued to take Beverly's advice and took exquisite care of herself. She looked and felt better than she had in years. She made regular visits to some of her favorite holodeck programs. One she had replicated from a visit to Toparia, known to be one of the most beautiful planets in the galaxy. The scene she spent most of her time in was a small village on an ocean. The beach was soft pink sand, the waters deep blue and churning. The skies were stormy and dark, and torches lit up the beach. There was no rain, just the sound of the rough waters and wind in the air. It soothed her somehow, and reflected how she felt inside. She would sit, just sit, on the sand with her toes in the water, staring off into the turbulent skies. "Definitely a storm coming" she would muse to herself. The air smelled of electricity, occasional soft strokes of lightening illuminating the distant sky.

Will and Deanna worked together without incident. Captain Picard wondered how two people who had been so close to each other for so many years, could work for hours without ever exchanging so much as a friendly word. But, he had to admit, they were still his two best officers and did their work exceptionally. He had hired them for their professionalism, their ability to handle any and every situation, and now they were proving him right. Every night after his shift Will would go to Lena and seek comfort and reassurance in her arms and in her bed. Deanna would return to her room for solitude. Will had never chosen her for away missions, to which Deanna was secretly relieved. It would be extremely difficult to be with Will on some distant planet doing god knows what. But any shipboard assignments Will and Deanna had to work together, they did their jobs without complaint. After awhile their friends had stopped tip-toeing around them and began to treat them as just two acquaintances who happened to work together. Deanna stopped attending the poker games as it was just too awkward for everyone. When Will and Deanna had to do crew evaluations, Deanna commissioned Beverly to "sit in" with them in Will's office to include her medical opinion as well. Those were the hardest, the tension between the three of them so thick it was palpable. Beverly continued to be an invaluable friend to Deanna, and they spent several times a week together, having lunch in Beverly's quarters. For the time being, it satisfied Deanna's need to "get out".

Then one night, after several more months, it finally happened. Deanna was resting comfortably in her quarters on her day off. She had a beautiful pink silk and lace floor length nightgown on, covered in a matching pink silk robe and soft slippers. She had placed two bouquets of gardenias from the arboretum on the coffee table and was curled up on the sofa with her legs underneath her, reading the latest edition of Starfleet Psychology. The chime rang. Something lurched in the back of her mind. "Come" she said, knowing who it was. Her heart began pounding.

The door slid open and Commander William T. Riker stepped tentatively inside. He stood and looked at her, a vision of sensuous beauty seated on the couch. His breath caught slightly, it had been so long since they'd had any personal contact, seven months since he'd last been in her quarters. He felt awkward. Deanna assumed he was taking her up on her offer to have an open door if he had an explanation for why he had left her. Enough time had passed that Deanna's sharp pain had turned into a dull ache, but it was still an ache nonetheless.

Deanna sat up and put her book down. "Have a seat, Will" she said. Will cleared his throat and walked over to the chair that was facing her and sat down. Deanna crossed her legs and rested her clasped hands on her knee and waited. Will sat, legs open, hands on knees, stiff, and staring at the floor. A few moments passed, and he cleared his throat again. Then he looked up. "Deanna" he began in a small voice. His heart was beating wildly as well. He didn't know if he could do this, but he knew, by god he knew, that at the very least he owed his imzadi the best explanation he could offer. He owed her at least that much. Will sighed, and tried again. "I was feeling threatened." It was the only words that would come out. Deanna's forehead creased in confusion. "What?" Will swallowed hard, then continued. "Deanna, I have been trying to figure this out. I owe you that much. And all I know is when we kissed that last time and I felt your presence intertwining with mine, I felt apprehensive, trapped, threatened." Deanna sat back into the cushions. This was more painful than she expected. "but you've felt our souls intertwine before" she offered. Will shook his head yes. "But this time something was different. It was much more…intense." Deanna nodded in sudden understanding. "The bond was trying to complete itself" she said, softly. Will looked at her. "I loved our imzadi bond, Deanna. But I didn't know it would get that….all-consuming. I wasn't prepared for it." Deanna sat staring blankly at him. She really had nothing to say. She suspected as much, but to hear it from him stirred up old feelings of grief and anger that she had worked so hard to get through. Couldn't Will step up to the plate? Was he that weak that he couldn't handle the bond between them that he had so claimed to love on so many occasions? He would so break her heart over mere cowardice? Deanna's emotions tossed back and forth between rage and deep longing. She still loved him.

After a few moments of silence, Will stood to leave. "Well, I thought you should know" he said quietly. He stood for another moment, obviously needing to say something more, obviously unsure. He turned and took a few steps towards the door and stopped. Still facing the door, he said to Deanna "I also thought you should know before hearing it from everyone else. Lena and I are engaged." And with that he walked out her door.

Deanna felt like a knife had stabbed her in the heart. It wasn't that she didn't see it coming, but the reality of it hit her like a brick. A whole new well of grief bubbled up inside her. "Troi to Crusher" she said shakily into her comm. badge. "Crusher here, what is it Deanna?" "I could really use a friend right now".

"I wondered if he'd tell you" Beverly said as she brought Deanna a cup of tea. "You knew?" Deanna said, incredulously. "Yes" Bev said as she sat down next to her friend. "But I felt you should hear it from Will. I went to him and told him that he had 24 hours to tell you and if he didn't, I would. It was time he took some responsibility for what he did and acted like a big boy." Deanna snorted through her tears. "He did have an awfully hard time telling me" she said. "He looked like a schoolboy who'd just been sent to the principal's office". Beverly laughed. "Serves him right. Bastard." "Bastard." Deanna agreed. The two women spent the rest of the night laughing and crying, aching and healing, comforting and grieving. Deanna knew that it was time to finally let go.

The next week Will was sent on an away mission to a distant planet to ease tensions surrounding a change in government. He would be gone for three months. Deanna took advantage of the time to re-acquaint herself with ten forward. With great relief, she spent time with her friends and the other senior officers, she attended poker games again, and had late dinners with Beverly and even attended a concert or two. It was just such a relief to not have to worry about running into Will and Lena. She did run into Lena, however, on one day when she was leaving her shift on the bridge. She turned the corner heading towards her room when she almost ran her over. "Oh, I'm sorry" she said before she realized who it was. "Perfectly alright" Lena said, shrinking just a little. Deanna sensed her awkwardness and, ever the consummate counselor, tried to ease the tension. "It's nice to see you, Lena" she smiled, hiding her feelings. "It's nice to see you too, Counselor" Lena replied in her best friendly voice. It was the only contact the two ever had. Deanna was proud of herself for making it the best possible it could be, and she wondered how much Will had told Lena, if anything, about their relationship.

During the third week of Will's absence, Deanna had a chance at taking the helm. She was a commander now and had passed a bridge officer's test, and the Captain wanted to give her a little practice. With Will gone and Data as first officer, he wanted to be sure all his officers were able to perform as acting Captain in case of an emergency. It was night shift, and the only three people on the bridge were Deanna, Data, and Ensign Gomez. Deanna was having a hard time staying awake, so she was teaching Data about the intricacies of human relationships, trying to answer all his questions as best she could. Suddenly, the viewscreen lit up with a Romulan warbird. Deanna gasped as Data called for Captain Picard. "They are hailing us" Ensign Gomez said. "On screen" Deanna stated as she walked towards the viewport mustering as much confidence as she could. A larger than life officer of the Tal-Shiar appeared on screen speaking only in Romulan, threatening to blow up the ship. "Where the hell is Captain Picard?" Deanna thought, realizing that the Enterprise was no match for the wardbird. She was shaking, but kept her composure as she spoke with the Romulan officer, speaking in his language as she had learned it while serving aboard a Romulan ship as a captive. In between sentences with the Tal-Shiar, she was whispering instructions to Data in Terran to ready the torpedoes, and issue a silent red alert. She didn't want to upset the Tal-Shiar anymore than he already was. But nothing she seemed to say could calm him, and she couldn't quite figure out what had him so angry that he would want to blow up their ship. She reminded him that he was in Federation territory, a violation of their treaty, but he didn't seem to care. His voice and anger escalated, and Deanna, now trembling, placed her hand on Data's shoulder. In an instant she saw the officer go for his weapons controls and simultaneously yelled "Data, now!" as Data pressed the button to fire the torpedoes. Deanna braced for impact, wondering if she would ever see her comrades again. Suddenly, the Romulan ship blew up and disappeared into thin air. It took a moment for Deanna to realize what had happened. She stood there, frozen, unable to breathe, her hand squeezing Data's shoulder so tightly that he would have felt pain, if he could have. "Counselor, it is OK to let go now" Data reminded her, glancing at her hand upon him. Deanna was shaken out of her trance at Data's voice and looked down on him, releasing her grip and rubbing her painful fingers. "Data, did we just destroy a Romulan warbird? Before it destroyed us?" she asked, her eyes wide. "It would appear so" Data replied calmly, just as the Captain entered from his ready room and strode down the ramp. "Well done, Counselor" he said proudly. Deanna turned to face him, a look of confusion on her face. "Yes, Deanna, it was a simulation. I was testing your ability to command in a tenuous situation." The Captain strode around to take his seat in the middle, and nodded for Deanna to sit beside him. She tensed, feeling angry at the deception, noting that her heart was still beating wildly in her chest. Noting her response the captain rested his hand on her arm as she sat. "Deanna, it's an old "Captain's Perogative" in Starfleet to run a test for their first-time commanding officers without telling them ahead of time." Deanna just stared at him, her jaw tight. Seeing she wasn't convinced, he continued. "Remember when Will first came on board? What I asked him to do?" Deanna thought back to so many years ago. "Yes" she said, "you had him manually dock the battle bridge section back into the saucer section". The Captain nodded. Deanna thought for a moment. "I imagine that scared the hell out of him." Captain Picard smiled. "Yes, it did Deanna. But, just like you, Will handled it with strength and composure. And he succeeded. That's how I knew he was ready to serve beside me." Deanna tilted her head and looked at her Captain in confusion. "Ready to serve beside you, sir?" she asked. Captain Picard sat back in his chair and relaxed, turning to look again at his Counselor. "Deanna" he said. "Will has been offered his own command. He's decided to accept this time." Deanna choked back a gasp and tried to hide the look of shock and hurt on her face. The Captain chuckled. "It's alright Deanna. I knew how this would affect you, and I know how deeply Will hurt you, so you don't need to hide it from me. But I do think Will is doing the right thing. It's about time he moved on. And it's about time you moved on as well. That's why I'd like you to be my first officer when he leaves."

Deanna's jaw hit the floor. It was exactly the reaction the Captain was expecting. "Deanna" he said, taking her hand in his. "We've served together a very long time. And I've come to trust you implicitly. With my life. You have the right combination of strength and sensitivity to serve this ship well. And although Data is also qualified for the job, I need him as my second officer where I feel his abilities are best utilized for now." Deanna couldn't speak. A million thoughts were running through her mind. Losing Will forever, taking over his position, not counseling anymore, being commanding officer to Data, Worf, and Geordi, being first officer of the Federation flagship. It was a lot to take in all at once. But hadn't she spent the last six months of her life preparing for this? Hadn't Will's rejection of her shaken her out of her complacency and set her on a path of growth and inner strength? It had, and she was ready for this. "Captain, I accept" she said with confidence and pride. "Wonderful, Deanna" he said as he rose to give her a congratulatory hug. "I think you made the right decision."

"Well, hello Number One" Beverly said as she entered Deanna's quarters with a kataran chocolate puff and bottle of champagne. "Oh my god Beverly, how come you know everything before everyone else does?" Deanna said indignantly as she rose to greet her friend and took the chocolate puff from her hands. "We're going to celebrate your promotion tonight, and I hope you don't mind that I invited a few friends." With that Worf, Data, Geordi, and Reg Barclay entered Deanna's quarters whooping and hollering, giving her hugs and joyous congratulations. Deanna was overwhelmed with all of the love. "We're all going to have to call you sir, now" Geordi said. "You will make a fine commanding officer" Worf praised. "Counselor, what will it be like to be in the shoes of your reunited then un-united lover?" Data asked as everyone cleared their throats uncomfortably and Beverly grabbed Data's arm to lead him over to the couch. Deanna saw that Data still didn't quite understand the concept. Reg just hugged her, nervously chattering about how he would try to do his job well and please her as best he could. Deanna felt almost whole for the first time she had in months. She had a new appreciation for all of her friends, and for her Captain who had offered her this wonderful opportunity. Who would have thought that after fighting her mother to go into Starfleet, being reunited with Will on the Enterprise, and then everything that had happened since then, that this is how things would turn out? "Life is strange sometimes" Beverly said, reading her friend's mind. The officers all sat down and enjoyed cake and champagne, laughing and talking well into the evening. Then, one by one they left, with Reg being the last to go. Deanna was tired from all the excitement, but Beverly stayed behind. They cleaned up in silence, Beverly stifling a few yawns herself. Then they sat down on the couch. "How are you handling it, Dee?" she asked, and Deanna knew she was referring to Will leaving the ship, most likely with Lena, and the fact that she would probably never see him again. After a few moments of silence Deanna said "It hurts." Bev knew that, which is why she asked. She reached out and put her arm around Deanna, who leaned her head into Bev's shoulder and cried softly. They stayed like that into the morning, Deanna having eventually fallen asleep, and Bev got up gently, careful not to wake her. She laid her down on the couch and covered her with a blanket, looking sadly at her friend. "Oh Dee, I'm so sorry" she whispered, as she kissed her lightly on the cheek and then left for her own quarters, wishing to god that things had turned out differently.

"Are you sure, Deanna?" Bev said as she sat in the chair in Deanna's quarters, dressed in one of her best fancy dresses. Deanna was in civilian clothes, a casual flowing dress, and her hair was pinned up, with tendrils falling softly on her shoulders. "I'm sure" she said resolutely. Will had been back several weeks and he and Lena had finally had a chance to plan their engagement party. It was being held in ten-forward and everyone was going, as it was also a going away party. Will and Lena were scheduled to leave for his new ship the next morning. Bev was headed to the party but stopped by Deanna's quarters along the way. "You'll probably be the only one not going" she said. "And would that surprise anyone?" Deanna challenged. Beverly smiled. "No, I suppose not. But it really is the last chance you'll have to see him. Maybe forever. Don't you want to try and get some closure?" Deanna shook her head. "We've said all we have to say to each other. It will only hurt me to go, and it certainly won't benefit Will and Lena. I'm just going to spend a quiet evening in my favorite holodeck program. After tomorrow it will all be over and I can start my life again. Beverly nodded. "I understand." Then she headed for the door, but turned around at the last minute. "Would you like me to give him one final kick in the ass for you?" "Oh god yes" Deanna chuckled as the door slid closed behind Beverly.

The sounds of the waves splashing on the shore soothed Deanna's heart just a little. She was having a hard time with it all, harder than she'd let on to Beverly. But sitting here on the beach, her arms wrapped around herself, the sense of a storm in the air, and the mist spraying her face, it made all the rest of it seem like a distant dark dream. She could comfort herself here, and lose herself in the solitude. But suddenly, the door to the holodeck slid open. Deanna turned around, wondering testily who had used their override to interrupt her private time. But as she stood to face whoever it was, she didn't have to wonder long. There stood Will Riker, dressed in a formal tux. She grimaced. "Don't you have a party to attend?" she asked, failing to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. "It wound up about an hour ago. Lena wanted to get some rest so I decided to come and look for you." Will said, never taking his eyes off her. "Why?" she asked honestly. Will took a few steps towards her. Thunder sounded in the distance. "I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye" he said so quietly she could barely hear him. Deanna continued to hold her arms around herself and looked at the ground. "I thought we already said goodbye to each other some time ago". A silent moment passed between them. Then he spoke softly, in a grief-stricken voice. "I miss you imzadi." She had not heard that words from his lips in so long. She could hear the anguish behind his words. She almost felt sorry for him. Almost. "I don't think I could live a life without you in it." He continued. "You should have thought about that the night you walked out my door, Will". He conceded that was true and nodded his head. "Yes I should have. But it doesn't change the fact that I still want you in my life, as my friend. I still need you, still want our connection". Deanna turned away, vehemently nodding her head no. "_Please_ Deanna." Will was begging. He didn't care. "Couldn't we at least keep in touch?" he asked barely keeping the tears from his voice. Deanna walked to the edge of the shore and dug her toes into the sand allowing the waves to lap up over her feet. She was quiet for a long while. She could hear Will breathing behind her. Then, after some time, she spoke. "Will, I will never get over you if I don't cut off all ties between us. I need to move on. I need to start my life again. Surely you can understand that." Wills heart broke in his chest, but he understood. Tears began spilling down his cheeks as he realized this was probably the last time he would ever see her. His imzadi. His heart was breaking in every sense of the word. "Then can I at least hold you one last time before I go?" His voice was trembling with emotion. Deanna heard the pain in it, felt it fill her mind and her soul. It mingled with her own anguish and threatened to tear her in two. She felt such rage at him, such anger, but it just couldn't match the love she still felt. She turned slowly to look at him, this man whom she had loved for a lifetime, loved with all her heart and soul, standing there, looking like a little boy who was losing the one thing in the world that mattered most to him. She could hear the waves gently lapping at the shore, hear the distant storm echoing in the air, hear the pain that stood between them. She looked up into his face, and they looked into each other's eyes. Will began sobbing, his chest moving up and down, his shoulders shaking, but never took his eyes off her. He was standing open, arms to his side, silently begging her to let him touch her one last time. Deanna stepped slowly towards him. She could not stop her body from going to him, going to her imzadi. As she stepped up, toe to toe, Will slowly brought up his arms and began to encircle her. She stepped into him then, resting her head on his chest as he gently pulled his arms around her and pulled her in. A wail began to form from deep in his soul and came out in a tone so sad and so mournful, that the very night sounds seemed to stop and listen. He shook with his grief, sobbing and holding her tightly, as Deanna clasped her arms around herself, nestling her face further into his chest, weeping. The very fabric of their imzadi bond was being torn in two. They both stood, shaking in the night air, weeping with each other, weeping over each other, just weeping. Then, after a long while, when it grew quiet again, William T. Riker leaned his face down, kissed his imzadi on the top of her head, and released her. He stepped back, resting his palm on her cheek, looking into her eyes one last time. Her tears spilled down over his fingers, and he wiped them with his thumb. Then, Will Riker dropped his hand to his side, turned to go, and slowly approached the holodeck door. Deanna saw his shoulders heaving as he began sobbing again. He reached the door and paused, as if he were going to say something, as if he might speak the words that could change all of this forever and turn back time. But after a moment, he stepped through the door, and as it closed behind him, Deanna realized that she would never see him again.

It felt very strange to Deanna not having Will on the ship. They had been best friends and then lovers for so long, and his absence left an deep hole in her soul. One that she knew would never completely heal. It felt even stranger to be sitting in Will's chair, doing his job. Sometimes she swore she could still feel the warmth of him, smell his essence while she was sitting there. But she didn't let it distract her; every time the Captain looked at her she could see such complete trust in his eyes of her abilities, and she wanted to live up to that. The days and weeks passed slowly at first, as Deanna worked hard to put the past behind her and start this new chapter in her life. And after several months she got more into the rhythm of things, finding that she was now able to fall into a deep slumber without crying herself to sleep, able to go through an entire day without thinking of him. She was rebuilding her confidence, and every step she took forward made the next one easier. Her first away mission turned out to be quite intriguing. She beamed down with Worf and Data to inspect an abandoned mine on a planet that had once been inhabited by Vulcans who had left their own planet to begin a new colony and a new religion. But long ago this particular sect had died out, and as the Enterprise passed by, Data discovered some unusual readings coming from the mine. Deanna felt scared; not only was it her first away mission as First Officer, but they had no idea what they'd find. Worf entered the mine first and when he deemed it safe, the other two followed behind him. What they found was a shock to both them and Starfleet. Embedded into the walls of the mine were Vulcan precious gems, gems that glowed with electrical activity. The colorful gleam that the gems reflected on the smooth walls was breathtaking. After doing some research Data discovered that the gems were stolen from one of Vulcan's museums by the defectors, and placed into the walls of the mine for safekeeping, and because it created an electrical atmosphere that could actually lengthen one's lifespan by spending time in it. They were able to extract the gems and return them to Vulcan, earning Deanna and the Enterprise a commendation from Starfleet. Deanna felt very proud that day, and her Captain felt very proud of her.

Deanna worked closely with the Enterprise's new counselor, both being a listening ear and advice-giver, and on crew evaluations. He was Bajoran, and he had worked under Deanna for sometime so she had convinced Captain Picard to give him the position. She and Mor became fast friends, and at times, it seemed like something more. It reminded her of she and Will working so closely together. But Deanna had been burned one too many times in relationships, and had made a very conscious decision to remain single, much to Mor's dismay. It was not easy for her, and although she loved her new job, there were times when she failed, doubted herself, gave in to fear, didn't act as professionally as she'd have liked, clashed with the Captain. The transition wasn't easy, but it was rewarding. After a year she felt so much more solid and comfortable with herself and her new station in life. One night she and Beverly were having dinner in the doctor's quarters. Beverly had invited her over for quiche and a special bottle of wine she had picked up on her last shore leave. As soon as Deanna entered, she could tell Beverly was hiding something, and she felt mixed emotions of sadness, joy, and excitement. They sat down to dinner and Deanna waited to hear what Beverly's news was, but it was not forthcoming. After finishing her first glass of wine, Deanna sighed and looked at her friend.

"Beverly, I really try not to pry, but your mixed emotions are broadcasting and giving me a headache. You did invite me over here to tell me something didn't you?" Deanna stared intently at her. Beverly, knowing she had been caught, sighed and put down her fork. "I was just about to chicken out" she said, sourly. "You and the damned empathy of yours." Deanna grinned and swallowed her last bite, placing her fork on the table as well. She could see this was important, so she folded her hands in front of her on the table, and waited patiently for Bev to spill whatever news she'd been hiding. "Deanna, have you been following much of Will's life lately?" Deanna's eyebrows rose. "Not for about the last ten months, Bev. You should know that. Why?" Beverly cleared her throat and looked sheepishly at Deanna. "Well, I was perusing Starfleet news updates this morning, and noticed that Captain William T. Riker was listed as single. So I did some more research and found out that he and Lena divorced a month ago." Deanna sat, staring at her friend. A moment of silence passed between them. Then she snorted. This was not the reaction Beverly had expected. "Geez Bev, he couldn't even make the marriage last a year! Why am I not surprised? "Will-the-thrill" will never be able to settle down. Poor Lena".

Beverly glared at her friend. "What makes you so sure it was Will's doing? Maybe he has changed and Lena left him!" Deanna narrowed her eyes. "Beverly, why are you defending him? After what he did to me?" Beverly blushed a little, realizing what she had done. "Oh Deanna" she admitted. "I guess deep down somewhere inside of me I was still hoping the two of you would get together. You belong together. Perhaps through all of this he's changed. I was hoping I could talk you into contacting him." Deanna's mouth fell open. "You can't be serious, Bev! Will and I are over. Forever. I could never go back to him!" Beverly's eyes grew sad and then she shrugged her shoulders. "Well, you can't blame a friend for trying". Deanna softened a little and patted her friend's hand. "Besides, he's the one who left me, remember? If he really has changed and was interested in trying to re-connect, then it would be his job to contact me."

TWO YEARS LATER

For the past six months, Captain Riker had been trying to write the letter. He'd write it, then erase it, then rewrite it, then change it, then throw it out and start over. He could never quite get it to say what he wanted it to. He'd been through so much, and with the help of his ship's counselor had come to realize a few things. After he and Lena had divorced, Will took a Sabbatical to take some time for healing. He looked deep inside himself to try and figure out where his life had gone so wrong. He knew it was somehow his fault, but didn't know why. And every time he looked inside, everything always came back to _her_. Deanna. The woman he couldn't quite get out of his heart, his soul. That's why Lena had left him, she felt like she was competing with a ghost. He should've known before he asked her to marry him that he was just jumping into another relationship as a distraction. It wasn't fair to Lena. And he certainly hadn't been fair to Deanna. He didn't deserve either of them. And after all the soul-searching and all the therapy sessions, he'd finally come to a realization. He had felt so trapped by the imzadi bond with Deanna because that's how he'd always felt with his father. His father had always tried to control his life so fiercely, that it sucked that life right out of Will. Which was why he ran away. Which was why he joined Starfleet. But he'd never worked through it, and when he felt the intense closeness with his imzadi, it re-triggered all of those emotions. It wasn't Deanna he wanted to get away from, it was the ghost of his father. And once he figured that out, and once all of those emotions came pouring out, the deep passion and longing he'd always had for Deanna, that had never really left, was allowed to surface. But even after that he continued his therapy sessions, he knew he'd lived in denial for too long, and wanted to be sure for his own benefit and that of his crew, that he'd worked everything out and healed as best he could. Which brought him to the place he was at now, sitting at his desk, trying to write this damned letter. He thought back to the time, six months ago, when he'd paid a visit to Betazed, at the behest of his counselor. He hadn't told anyone he was coming. He walked up to the door with great trepidation, hesitated, then reached up to ring the bell. "Come in William" the voice on the other side of the door said with a sigh, before his finger could even reach the chime. The door slid open. And there she was, standing there waiting for him. "Did you think your strong emotions weren't projecting from the time you got off the transport shuttle?" she chided. Will took a few steps inside, trembling slightly. Only one person in the world could intimidate Captain William T. Riker, and she was looking at him right now. "Oh come, come, William. I don't intimidate you! You just always try to hide your thoughts and the fact that I can read them disconcerts you." Luwaxana Troi walked over to Will and took his arm, smiled, and lead him into the conservatory. "Have a seat, Will, I've been expecting you." Will sat down and rested his elbows on his knees, lightly wringing his hands. There was a moment of silence between them, and then he spoke. "I didn't think you'd ever want to see me again" he said, weakly. "I didn't". Luwaxana replied coolly. Then she softened. "For you, a highly renowned Captain in Starfleet, to make the trip all the way here to see me, when my daughter isn't here, means that you must have something very important to say." "I do" Will stated. He took in a deep breath…then he let it back out again. "I don't know if I can explain it all" he continued. Then he looked up at Luwaxana with such sad eyes it nearly broke her heart. And he opened his mind to her. Luwaxana Troi expected a lot of things from William Riker. She expected arrogance, excuses, even anger. But never in a million years did Luwaxna Troi expect William T. Riker to purposefully open his mind to her. Completely. She looked at him questioningly, and he nodded his head. Luwaxana closed her eyes, focused, and began her search. She found many things that surprised her. The pain of his childhood with his father, that same pain that had bled over into his relationship with her daughter, the agony he'd had trying to keep it all clamped down and trying to escape into marriage with another woman. The deep pain and regret when he finally realized what was really going on, and that he'd never stopped loving Deanna. The anguish he was living with now, wanting so badly to be with her, knowing how much he'd hurt her, knowing he'd given up his last chance. Luwaxana gasped at such heartbreak, and even more so at the humility Will now possessed. He was sincere, she was sure of it. And now he was here, looking to her for help, looking to her for any hope at all of reuniting with her daughter, his imzadi. Luwaxana completed her search, cleared her head, and looked up at Will. He looked so pitiful and forlorn, she almost wanted to take him in her arms and comfort him like a mother. Instead, she reached over and took his hand. "William" she said. "I don't know how to guide you with my daughter. I know that she closed her heart to you long ago. And she is a very determined woman. But I do know this; if you tell her everything you've just shown me, holding nothing back, I believe she will be willing to at least hear you out, and that could be a start. But there are no guarantees." Will shook his head in understanding, grateful to Mrs. Troi for the advice. He suspected as much, but knew that no one knew Deanna better than her mother. "I'm going to try and do that, Mrs. Troi. I owe you a debt of gratitude for even letting me in here." Luwaxana waved her arms in the air. "Oh pish-posh Will. You are always welcome here, even if you and my daughter aren't together. You hurt her badly, but she is strong and has recovered. You and I have a long history together, you know." Will chuckled and replied, "Indeed we do, Mrs. Troi, indeed we do."

Will decided to make one last attempt at the letter. "Dear Deanna". He paused, drew in a deep breath, and continued. "I am writing this to you on the advice of a good friend. This friend thought you might be willing to listen if I told you what I'd discovered about myself and why I'd been such an asshole to you." Certainly that would get her attention, he thought. Then Will went on to explain everything, leaving nothing out. He apologized profusely, at least six times in the letter, admitting to how much he'd devastated her and hated himself for it, how he'd lost his last chance to be with her and understandably so, but was somehow still hoping for another one. How he'd never forgive himself for pushing away the only woman he ever loved. How there were no excuses, just reasons, that he now understood. How the odds were fairly good that she was with someone else now. He asked her forgiveness. He asked her to contact him. He asked her to allow him to prove he was a changed man. And then, feeling entirely too naked at the vulnerable position it put him in, he quickly pushed "send" before he could change his mind, and the letter was gone. Will sat there in the dark, heart pounding, hands trembling. He would wait. He would wait to hear from her. He would wait forever for his imzadi.

A lone figure sat in the dark, staring at the terminal. It had felt like hours that she had been sitting there, frozen in time. It was hard to breathe. She almost felt like she was suffocating. Her hand was trembling as she lifted it to touch the keyboard. She was barely able to type in her message. Then, with one final effort, she pushed send. And through light years of time and space, it traveled, and arrived at its destination, waiting for its recipient. The message was simple. The message was brief. All it said was… "I forgive you."

Captain Riker was unsteady. A man known for his courage, this situation had him shaking in his boots. Not that he would let any of his crew know that. They had been called to the Neutral zone to investigate an anomaly that had opened in space. The Romulans were claiming it for their own, the Federation was intending to claim it as well. The hope was that it was a stable wormhole that could be used for travel. Tensions were high. Two Federation ships had already been fired upon by warbirds stationed near the anomaly, and the Federation was trying to avoid an all-out war. But Will had been instructed that this time, if there were any attacks, to do all he could to defend the Enterprise and destroy the wardbirds. The Federation would tolerate no further abuse, even if it meant going to war. Will knew this could possibly be a suicide mission; his crew knew it too. "ETA, Ensign" he said from the Captain's chair. "Four hours and thirty-two minutes, sir" the Ensign replied. "Good. I'll be in my ready room. Starko, you have the bridge" he said to his first officer as he rose confidently and strode towards his ready room. Once inside with the door closed, he sank into his chair and exhaled a tense breath. Appearing confident and unscathed for his crew was taking its toll on him. He thought about his life up to that point, how he would be remembered if this were his final mission. It had been a year since he had sent his letter to Deanna and she had replied with her forgiveness. He'd tried one more time to contact her to see if they could meet, but she did not respond. He decided to leave it alone, he wanted to cause her no further pain. It had been lonely and empty without her, sometimes he felt like a walking black hole. But he had survived reasonably well, pouring all of his energy into his career, and hoped he would be remembered as the consummate Starfleet Captain, successful in every sense of the word. Will sat staring off into space through the viewport windows, and tried to shake off the ominous feeling he had. "There's no reason we can't come out of this alive" he tried to reassure himself. But he knew, he just knew, that at least some of the crew would not be returning home.

"Captain, we have arrived at the Neutral Zone" Starko's voice came over the comm. Captain Riker jumped out of his chair with a renewed sense of energy and walked onto the bridge. "Status" he barked out as Starko got up and Riker reclaimed his chair. "The anomaly is miniscule, perhaps the first forming stages of the wormhole, Sir". Will looked at the screen. There was a barely visible distortion in the center. "This is what we're fighting for?" Will said, incredulous. "It might be another thousand years before it develops into anything significant!" Will glanced sideways at his first officer who gave him a knowing nod. Both knew this was more about the ongoing battle between the Romulans and the Federation than it was about the anomaly. "We are being hailed, sir" the security officer said from behind Will's chair. "On screen" Will said as he stood and moved towards the front of the bridge, squaring his shoulders and slightly lifting his chin. A Romulan appeared. "I see we meet again, Captain Riker. Except you were merely a _Commander_ the last time". Will could've sworn a heard a sneer in the Romulan's voice. "Commander Tomalak. What a pleasant surprise." Will tried hard to hide his sarcasm. "So let's cut to the chase Captain" Tomalak said. "We're not backing out of the Neutral Zone. We were the first to arrive here and we've already claimed this anomaly." Will rubbed his hand through his beard. "And you think that such a small anomaly, almost non-existent, is worth starting a war over?" "You're here, aren't you?" Tomalak replied. Will could feel the tension rising on the bridge. He knew his officers were ready for his orders at any moment in case they needed to fire the torpedoes. Will sighed. "Only by order of Starfleet. Personally, I wouldn't risk my life nor a war for such a thing." "Well then, that's the difference between you and me Captain" Tomalak replied. "Romulans can see the value of something in the…." But before he could finish speaking, an explosion rocked the Enterprise and Will went rolling hard into the bulkhead, the other officers being thrown out of their chairs. What happened in the next few moments was a blur. Will vaguely remembered a muffled voice shouting "I didn't tell you to fire, you blok-tuks!" Then many voices yelling and shouting and smoke nearly choking him to death, as a Romulan suddenly materialized beside him and pointed a phaser at him. Will could barely see, but could tell the phaser was pointed directly at his heart. He closed his eyes, ready to die, and the last thought that went through his mind was "_Imzadi_".

Commander Deanna Troi was enjoying a leisurely breakfast in ten forward. She had not had many of these in her time as First Officer, she had come to appreciate what a truly difficult job it was. Suddenly, Beverly had come running through the door, spotted Deanna, and headed directly for her table. "Deanna, have you heard? Did you watch Starfleet News this morning?!" Deanna jumped at the frantic tone of Beverly's voice. "No, Bev. What's going on?" Guinan heard the exchange between the two officers and immediately turned the bar viewscreen to the Starfleet channel. The few officers that were up at that hour turned their attention to the screen. "…The Romulans have left the Neutral Zone proceeding the incident. Commander Tomalak is considered a fugitive and to be apprehended at any cost. The Enterprise had many casualties, and families are being notified. Shuttles have arrived to take the survivors to the nearest Medical Base for treatment. Starfleet News will be updated as soon as new information is received."

Deanna looked at Beverly, fear in her eyes. "Do we know" she began in a hoarse voice, but Beverly interrupted her. "I tried to get some information from the chief medical officer conducting the rescue mission" she said. "But I was told that until all families are notified, no names will be given out." Deanna looked down at the table as Beverly placed a hand on her shoulder. "I'm sure he's fine, Dea" she said softly. Deanna's eyes welled with tears. She had never stopped thinking about Will. She had never stopped loving him, no matter how hard she tried. "What happened?" Deanna asked as Beverly took a seat across from her and explained the incident as she had heard it on the news that morning. "He doesn't have any relatives" Deanna said so quietly Bev almost didn't hear her. "What about Thomas?" Beverly asked. "He's been missing for years. We always suspected he was in Section 31" Deanna replied. "And Will's dad died two years ago". Beverly understood the implication. If there are no relatives to notify, how would they ever find out if Will was alive? "I can request of the Captain to make a stopover at the starbase" Bev said, trying to encourage her friend. Deanna looked up at her, her eyes sad, and nodded. "Please" she said.

A few moments later the chime rang on Captain Picard's door. "Come" he said as Beverly walked through the door, allowing it to close behind her. Jean-Luc looked up from his padd. "I already requested a re-route from Starfleet. We should be arriving in a day or two" he said to her. Dr. Crusher smiled as she sat down. "You heard" she said. "Indeed." Captain Picard replied. "Will almost caused an inter-stellar incident". Beverly managed a half-smile. "How can you be so calm" she asked the Captain. Jean-Luc put his padd down on his desk and ran his hands over his head as he sighed. "Well" he said, "when it comes down to William T. Riker facing down a Romulan, I'd bet on the former". Beverly chuckled. "You have much faith in your former First Officer." "I do, Bev" he said as he took her hand encouragingly. "I do."

Will was trying desperately to get his eyes open, but they would not comply. He felt dizzy and cold and slightly disoriented. Was this the afterlife? What would he see when he opened his eyes? He remembered preparing to die, then a blast and a sharp pain in his side. Then everything went dark. If this was the afterlife, it sure felt like hell. "Captain, Captain" a soft voice said as it gently shook his shoulder. "It's time to wake up." "I don't want to wake up" Will's words slurred together as he tried to speak. "But you must" the voice said. Will tried again to open his eyelids. They felt dry and scratchy, and stuck to his eyes. Finally, he got one of them to open and tried to focus on the face that was leaning over him. "Hi Captain Riker. I'm Dr. Illen. You are going to be alright." Will's eyebrow arched, and the doctor laughed. "They warned me about your adorable facial expressions" she said. "You're charming even when you're only half-awake". Will tried to smile but it didn't work too well. "Where am I?" he asked, starting to find his voice. "You're on Starbase 22. You're in Sickbay. You have critical injuries, but we've managed to stabilize you for now." Will tried to sit up but found he plopped back down to the bed on his left side. He felt lopsided. He tried again, but he doctor gently pushed him back down. "It's too soon for you to try and get out of bed, Captain" she reprimanded him. "They warned me you would try to do that, too". Will rolled his eyes and wondered if Dr. Illen had been talking to Beverly. He raised his hand to scratch his beard. Except that it didn't move. He tried again. It was his left hand. Then he tried to move his left leg. It wouldn't move either. "What the" he began, startled, looking up at the doctor. Dr. Illen pulled up a chair and sat down beside Will. She placed her hand gently on his shoulder. "Captain Riker" she began in a soft voice. "You were shot with a phaser, point blank, into your left side. If it hadn't been for your First Officer, you would have been killed. According to witnesses, he jumped the Romulan just as he was about to shoot you in the chest and the phaser went off into your side instead. So you're alive. But your left side is not working too well." Will tilted his head back, staring up at the ceiling, holding his breath. "Starko?" he began. "Is OK" the doctor interrupted him. "When will my side start working well?" he asked, never changing his gaze. "We don't know, Will. We don't know if it ever will." Will automatically jerked to sit up at this news, then fell back down to the bed again, just like he had the first time. "Damnit!" he yelled, becoming very agitated. The doctor reached over to a side table to grab a hypo spray. "Don't sedate me!" Will growled through clenched teeth. "Will, I have to. You need your rest to heal, if there's any hope of healing your arm and leg. We can talk about specifics later." With that she pressed the hypo spray to his neck and Will sighed as he lay back down on the biobed, and promptly fell asleep.

Deanna paced back and forth in her quarters. It would be one more day and they would be arriving at the starbase. She told Beverly she would not depart. "But why not, Deanna? He needs you!" Beverly had said. "No, he doesn't. He can do quite well without me. And I don't need to get my heart attached to him again. We both saw how that turned out the last two times." There was no bitterness in Deanna's voice, just practicality. But she _wanted_ to be down there, by Will's side. She wanted to see him, to see that he was OK, to rest her hand on his chest, to kiss his cheek. She needed to be near him. But she would not go.

The next day Dr. Illen was prepping Will for surgery. "We're going to try and repair some of the nerve endings in there" she said, pointing to his side. "This may help you retain some movement in your arm and your leg." "Some?" Will said, sarcastically. "That won't help my career, now, will it? Starfleet can't have a Captain with only partial use of his left side." The doctor sighed. She completely understood Will's hopelessness. It was true. If they couldn't completely repair Will's limbs, he would no longer have a career as a Starfleet officer due to the dangerous implications, only at a desk job. And Dr. Illen knew that he could never be completely repaired. She would wait until he regained some strength before she shared this news with him. She had contacted his friend and former doctor, Beverly Crusher, who should be arriving just as Will was coming out of surgery. She hoped Beverly could be of some encouragement to Will.

Dr. Illen finished taking off her scrubs and gloves. The surgery with Will had taken four hours, and though they'd been able to make some repair to the nerve damage, it certainly wasn't enough to give him total use of his limbs…partial use, most likely. But that was better than nothing, she thought. Will had lost a lot of blood during surgery, and his vital signs were running low. She'd asked her Nurse to keep an eye on him until it was time for him to wake up. In the meantime, Beverly Crusher had beamed aboard and was on her way now to Sickbay. Dr. Illen left the surgical room for her office and would wait for Beverly there.

"Dr. Crusher! Please, come in!" Dr. Illen stood from her desk and reached out to greet Beverly, shaking her hand. "Dr. Illen. It is nice to meet you" Beverly replied as she took a seat across from her. "How is he?" Dr. Illen sat back down and sighed. "Well, the surgery went as well as can be expected. We were able to do some repair. I expect him to regain partial use of his left leg and arm." Dr. Illen tried to be as upbeat as possible, but she saw Beverly's face fall. "That's why I called you doctor" she said, solemnly. "He's going to need a friend. And I think he'll feel more comfortable with you as his doctor for awhile, at least while he's starting rehab". "Rehab" Beverly said softly. "I can't imagine Will taking to that too readily. I honestly don't know how he's going to handle losing his position in Starfleet. Will's never been tested like this before." Dr. Illen nodded. "It won't be easy. I've seen stronger men wither up and emotionally die under such circumstances. It's important that we give him hope, assure him that his life will still be worth living." Beverly looked at Dr. Illen through sad eyes. "Yes, I suppose so. Will is stubborn. We'll just need to try and turn that stubbornness in the right direction." Beverly placed her hands in her lap and sat back, thinking. "I'll ask Captain Picard if I can be stationed here for one month. Will that be long enough?" she asked. "Yes" Dr. Illen said. "I think one month of therapy here should get him going at least enough to relocate to earth and the facilities at Starfleet Medical." Beverly nodded and stood to go. "Let me beam back to the ship and get my things." But just as she turned towards the door the Nurse's frantic voice could be heard over the doctor's comm. badge. "Dr. Illen, it's Captain Riker. I can't get him to wake up!"

Dr. Illen stood quickly and walked briskly towards Will's room in critical care, followed closely by Beverly Crusher. When they got there, they found Will in a coma. "Status?" Dr. Illen said to her nurse. "I don't know, doctor. I can't find any medical reason he won't wake up. But I've tried everything." Beverly walked around the table and shook Will's shoulder, talking directly into his ear. "Will, it's Beverly. You need to wake up now. Beverly Crusher. You remember me?" Will's eyes seemed to stir slightly, then went still. Beverly looked up at Dr. Illen, feeling helpless. Dr. Illen had checked all of Will's vitals and injected him with a small dose of adrenaline. She tried a few other tactics, but nothing worked. "What do you think doctor?" Illen said to Beverly. "you know his medical history better than any of us." "I think Will is probably going to wake up when he's good and ready and not before" Beverly said. "If I know Will, he's going to make things as difficult for us as possible. He is not exactly the best patient." Beverly looked up to Dr. Illen and smiled. "Well then it's good you're here" she said, dismissing the nurse so she and Beverly could have a conversation on how best to proceed.

That night Beverly met with Captain Picard and Deanna, and explained the situation. The Captain gave her permission to stay for one month, and the Enterprise would return on its way back from its current mission to pick her up again. Deanna had many questions for Beverly who answered them all as best she could. "So he's safe for now" Deannna said. "Yes" Beverly replied. "But he'll never have full use of his arm and leg?" "No" Beverly answered. Deanna looked down at the floor, tears forming in her eyes. Beverly reached over and took Deanna's hand. She spoke softly. "Deanna, I know you don't want to go down there, and I understand why. But with the special connection that you and Will have, I think it's very possible you could help bring him out of his coma. And he really needs you now, Dee. He's got an awfully rough road ahead of him." Deanna continued looking at the floor, not knowing what to say. She knew Beverly was right, but wasn't sure it was the right thing for her to do. Then she came to a compromise. "Twenty minutes. I've got some time tonight. I'll stop down for twenty minutes, but if it doesn't work, I'm returning to the ship." "Fair enough" Beverly said and gave her a smile. Then she added "he's lucky to be getting that much out of you". Deanna chuckled and Captain Picard smiled, thankful for the two women who sat in front of him and glad they were on his team.

Later that evening, Beverly and Deanna prepared to beam down to the space station. Bev could sense Deanna's nervousness and hesitation, and didn't blame her. She rested her hand on Deanna's arm as they waited for the transporter chief to put in the coordinates. "I know this is hard, Dee. But think of it as doing something life-saving for a friend. I know you've forgiven him and I know deep in your heart he's still your friend." Deanna wrapped her arms around herself as if she was chilled, trying to comfort and calm herself. "But Beverly, I still love him. god, I want to see him so badly! And for what? I'm just going to turn around and leave again. Feel that loss and separation again. Every time it's hard." Beverly just rubbed her friend's arm. She knew there was nothing she could say that would comfort Deanna. "Ready to transport, sir" the chief said to Dr. Crusher. Beverly nodded and said "Energize."

Bev and Deanna materialized on the Starbase and immediately began heading for sickbay, Deanna wringing her hands together as they went. Dr. Illen met them at the door. After introductions, Beverly said "How is he?" "The same" the doctor responded. Everything seems to be functioning, but he won't wake up." "Well, I brought someone who might be able to help" Bev said. "Will and Deanna are...were...well, let's just say they're friends." Beverly blushed a little at her inability to describe just what Will and Deanna were. Dr. Illen took Deanna's arm to lead her to Will's room. "Well, I'm glad you're here Deanna. Perhaps you can get through to that thick coma-bound skull of his." Deanna chuckled as she realized Will must have been giving this doctor problems like he always did with any doctor. Will was a notoriously bad patient. Once they arrived at the door to Will's room, Dr. Illen and Beverly left to go to Dr. Illen's office. Deanna whipped her head around quickly to give Beverly a pleading look. "Don't go" she mouthed to her. Beverly paused and said "Dee, you can do this. Will's probably tired of having me around anyway." Deanna managed a half-smile in defeat as she watched the two doctors leave and head to the other side of sickbay. Then she sighed, and turned her attention towards the room she was about to enter. It had been so long since she'd seen him. Even longer since she'd touched him, been in his arms. And now he was in trouble, and she was the only one who might be able to help him. Deanna took a deep breath, and stepped inside. The room was dark, save for Will's vitals beeping above his head and a soft light from the lamp on his bedside table. Deanna's eyes wandered all around the room. She couldn't bring herself to look at him just yet. But when she did, when she took a step towards him and directed her eyes to finally look at him, he stirred. Barely perceptible, she wouldn't have noticed it if she hadn't been staring intently at him. "Will" she said softly into the room as she finished taking the steps that led her to his side. She stood there and was aware she was trembling slightly. She looked over him from head to toe, most of his body covered in blankets. She looked back up to his face. That face. The face that had stopped her heart a thousand times. That face that she had so deeply loved, for decades. She knew she shouldn't take advantage of him in his state, but she couldn't help herself. She slowly lifted her hand and drew it towards his head. She stopped as her fingers rested just above his cheek. Then, ever so gently, she lowered her trembling fingers down to that soft warm skin, touching him lightly, and catching her breath. She slid her fingers slowly down into his soft beard, caressing it tenderly, gazing at his closed eyes, longing to touch her lips to his. "_Imzadi_" she whispered into the silence as she cradled his cheek in her palm. Suddenly Will's eyelids fluttered and he drew in a haggard breath. Deanna gasped, startled, and jumped back from the bed. Will's eyes shot open, and for a moment he stared up at the ceiling, blinking, trying to get his bearings. His vitals began beeping in rhythm, and before he knew it he had sucked in a large breath and began coughing. "What...where"... he stammered out. Suddenly, Dr. Illen and Beverly came rushing into the room. "Will! You're awake!" Beverly shouted as she rushed to his side and began checking him over, oblivious that Dr. Illen was attempting to do the same thing. "Bev...Beverly? Where am I? What happened?" Will said in a strained and hoarse voice. Beverly smiled as she stopped what she was doing and allowed Dr. Illen to take over. "It's a long story, Will, but you're going to be OK." Then she inadvertantly looked at his left side. Will followed her eyes, and the memory came flooding back to him. "oh god" he said as he shifted a little, confirming that movement in his left arm and leg was limited. Beverly, trying to divert his attention asked him "So it worked, huh? You woke up!" Will looked at her oddly. "What worked?" then he thought a moment, looked up to the ceiling, and sighed. "damn. I guess it was a dream. Bev, I dreamed Deanna was here. She was stroking my cheek and sending me loving messages. That's what woke me up." He looked at Beverly with such sad eyes, and it broke Beverly's heart. And for the first time since the commotion, Beverly looked around and realized Deanna was no longer there. She took Will's hand, deciding whether or not to tell him the truth. Obviously Deanna had run away when she saw Will waking up. "Well, that was a good dream to have, Will. It accomplished what we have been trying to do for weeks."

Back on the Enterprise, Deanna sat on her couch, reliving the moments over and over again. Caressing Will's cheek, imagining kissing him, the warmth and comfort he provided to all her senses. She had almost succumbed, almost kissed him, almost waited there while he awoke. But she'd made a vow to herself never to get involved with him again, and she was going to honor it. She owed it to herself, and even to him, to not allow their hearts to be broken even one more time. "Never again" she whispered into the darkness.

Beverly spent the next month with Will. It was one of the most grueling medical assignments she'd ever gone through, trying to keep Will's spirits up, trying to give him hope. Captain Picard, after a brief visit with his first officer, left on their next mission with the Enterprise. He'd promised to rally on Will's behalf, if there was any chance at all of Will continuing to be a starship officer in the Fleet. At the beginning, Will could not move his arm and leg at all, even though the surgery had been successful. Every morning, Beverly would come into his room to take him to his therapy session. She stayed with him until it was done. No one knew Will's medical history, both physical and psychological, like Beverly did. As much as Will gave her a hard time, he was secretly and extremely grateful for her presence and her friendship.

"Come on Captain, it's time to get up" Beverly said one morning as she opened the blinds to his room to let in the artificial sunlight. "Hrrrmmmph" Will simply grunted, as he turned over to go back to sleep. "Will" Beverly said again as she sat down beside him and shook his shoulder. "You know the routine. It's time for therapy." Will snapped around and gave Beverly a glaring look. "Why?" he asked. "I'm not making any progress. I can still barely move my arm and leg."

"Yes, but at last you can move them. You couldn't do that before." Will looked up at Beverly helplessly. She could see his pain as she placed a hand on his shoulder. "Come on Will. I promise I'll have the therapist go easy on you today". Will grimaced as he sat up in his bed and began removing his pajama top to get dressed. "Come on Bev, when have you ever gone easy?" Beverly chuckled as she turned towards the door to give Will some privacy. Just as she was about to exit, Will spoke, softly, and caught Beverly in mid-stride. "How is she, Bev?" Beverly turned around, surprised. Will had not spoken of Deanna once in their past two weeks together. Beverly had resisted bringing the subject up. She walked back to Will's bed and sat down. Will sat down next to her. "She's doing OK Will. She misses you." Will nodded and stared straight ahead. Bev could see him swallow hard, choking back the tears. Bev could only imagine his anguish that Deanna had not come to visit him, and his not knowing she had helped him to awake. "Thanks, Bev. When you see her again, please tell her that I miss her too." Will said. That was all that was said between them of his imzadi for the rest of their time together.

The next two weeks flew by, and by the end of the month Will had ¼ motion in his left leg and arm. Dr. Illen told him this would probably be as good as it would get. Will felt discouraged, but had begun to grow accustomed to his new position in life. He tried to encourage himself by thinking about how much worse it could've been. But sometimes at night, in the darkness of his room, he would cry. He had lost his imzadi, his career, and at times, his will to live. It was hard to find a reason to keep going. But unbeknownst to him, his former Captain was about to give him one.

"Will! Look at you! You're up and about!" Captain Picard exclaimed as he entered Will's room and saw him standing by the viewport. Will turned around to see his friend smiling at him. He hobbled over to where the Captain stood, having to half drag his leg and half lift it, limping lopsidedly. His arm stayed still at his side. Captain Picard worked hard to not wince, and keep smiling as if nothing were different. "If you can call this about" Will tried to joke, the tension hanging between them in the air. "I'd say you're doing quite well, all things considered, Number One." Oh, Will had not heard that sentiment from Jean-Luc in so long. It felt so fitting, so comforting. "Getting ready to take my doctor away, I presume?" Will asked. The Captain nodded, laughing. "I should think you'd be grateful, Will". For the first time in a long time, Will tilted his head back and laughed. A big hearty belly laugh. It felt good. The Captain backed up and leaned against the wall. "Anyway, you won't need her where you're going". He said. Will's eyebrows rose. "Really? And where might that be?" he queried. Captain Picard smiled widely and told him. "I called in a few favors. I also went before the Starfleet review board. They have agreed to offer you a job at Fleet Headquarters. Yes, it would be behind a desk, and yes, you won't be taking many outer space adventures. But then, that's the life of an Admiral, isn't it?"

Will's jaw dropped open. He had expected a desk job, but he had not expected this. "An Ad…Ad…"

"Will, you're stuttering" the Captain said.

"Oh my god. They're promoting me to Admiral?" he finally got out.

The Captain nodded, squeezing Will's arm. "Yes Will. They all agreed that your work deserves this, particularly your proven diplomatic skills. That you deserve this. And by god, Will, maybe you didn't make it to the youngest Captain in Starfleet, but you'll now be the youngest Admiral in Starfleet. If you accept, that is."

The Captain waited while Will processed all this information. Suddenly, Will's face lit up. "Oh yes. I do accept! When can I get started?" Jean-Luc laughed as Beverly entered the room. "I gather you told him" she said. "Yes, and he's beyond anxious to get started, as usual." the Captain replied. "Congratulations Admiral!" Beverly said as she walked up and embraced him. Will hugged her back, holding her for a long time, before finally letting go. "Thanks, Bev. I couldn't have done it without you. Or you" he said turning to Jean-Luc. "No need to thank me Will, you earned this." The Captain shook Will's hand vigorously, then shrugged and gave him a big hug. He then took Beverly's arm as he began to lead her out the door. "We need to be going Will. Starfleet is sending a shuttle day after tomorrow for you. They have an office and living quarters already prepared, and an Admiral on staff to brief you on your coming duties. I think you're going to really enjoy this new phase in your life, Will". Will nodded, grinning from ear to ear. "You realize this makes me your boss, right Captain?" he yelled as the two headed out the door. Beverly elbowed Captain Picard and Will heard her say "Boy, are you in trouble now, Jean-Luc!" The three of them laughed as the Captain said, "Yes, Will. My career is in your hands now. I suppose turnabout is fair play." With that they disappeared, and Will hobbled up to the door. He poked his head out and looked up and down the corridor, hoping, wishing, that maybe someone else had come to see him off. But no one was there. His heart sank as he ducked back into his room.

The shuttle ride was long and lonely, but worth every second when Will finally arrived to his new home and his new office. As he was led down the corridor of Starfleet Headquarters by the receptionist, other officers came out of their rooms to salute him. "Admiral Riker!" they said as he passed by. Will, self-conscious of his hobbling and dragging his foot, stood a little taller as he soaked in their admiration. He nodded at each one as they then lowered their hands. There had been a quick service to promote him to Admiral when he exited the shuttle as they wanted him on staff as quickly as possible. Already there had been rumblings of a coup about to take place within the Breman Empire, and they wanted Will to take charge of the case. When Will arrived in his office, he quickly sat in his chair, out of breath from the walk. He moved about half of the pace he used to, and it took a lot out of him. He never in a million years thought he'd be thankful for a desk job. "Admiral Hanson should be here momentarily" the receptionist said. Will had an appointment with the Admiral for the entire afternoon to be briefed on his duties and role in the upcoming mission. Will felt genuine excitement for the first time since his injury.

Later that evening after a grueling session with Admiral Hanson, Will was taken to his new apartment. It was on the top floor of Fleet Living Quarters overlooking the San Francisco Bay. When the concierge opened the door and Will walked in, he gasped. "Oh my god" he said out loud as he looked around the spacious quarters with wall to ceiling windows encircling three quarters of it. "Nothing's too good for the Admirals of Starfleet" the concierge smiled as he put Will's bags down and turned to go. Will stood there, just stunned as he took it all in. There was a gas fireplace and plush furniture surrounding it, a modern kitchen that was all windows, a bedroom off to the side, also all windows, a dining area, and a general home office area just inside the door. Will whistled long and low. "How did I ever end up here?" he asked in wonderment. What had been the ending of his life, as he had seen it, had now become a life he could only dream of. If he could've jumped up and down, he would have. He opted instead, to unpack his bags and lay down for a nap in his oversized plush bed.

The weeks and months went by quickly for Will as he settled into his new job. It came much easier to him than he'd thought it would. He'd begun to make a name for himself, not only as the youngest Admiral in the fleet, but a damned good one. He made new friends, and saw some old ones on his visits to Alaska. He often spoke at Fleet Academy graduation ceremonies, and occasionally taught classes to the students. He indeed got to take in more space adventures, on occasional diplomatic missions where he was welcomed aboard various starships as a passenger. He kept in touch with Jean-Luc and Beverly, writing weekly updates and receiving them. He often chided his former Captain about shirking his duties and that this particular Admiral would have to look into that. Before he knew it, five years had passed. He had dated off and on, but never found anyone who made his heart sing like Deanna. But it was OK, he was happy in his life and proud of it. Admiral William T. Riker had, once again, overcome adversity.

Beverly rang the chime on the First Officer's quarters. "Come" the voice said from inside. The door slid open and Dr. Crusher walked in. "You wanted to see me sir?" she said. "Oh please" Deanna replied, rising from the chair at her desk. "Stop calling me sir when you're in my cabin!" Beverly chuckled and flopped down on the couch, kicking off her shoes. "Just making sure I stay respectful" she said as she picked up a book and leafed through it. Deanna sat down opposite her. "We're due for a spa day, aren't we?" she asked. "That we are" Beverly said as she put down her book. "But I have a feeling that's not why you called me here." Deanna nodded, sheepishly. She looked down at her hands a moment, and then spoke. "Bev, I'm not happy." Beverly sat upright and knit her brows together. "Not happy? You mean with yourself? Your job? Last night's dinner in ten forward?" Deanna snorted and looked up. "No, last night's dinner was just fine. But I'm not enjoying my job anymore. Being First Officer has not fulfilled me like I thought it would. And I don't really desire to go back to Counseling. I just feel like I need a really big change to shake up my life, and I think I got it last night in a communiqué." Beverly looked puzzled. Deanna sighed and tilted her head for Bev to follow her. She walked over to her terminal and clicked open the message. It was from Admiral Stewart, head of Starfleet Medical. "Dear Deanna, I hope this message finds you well. I've been wanting to contact you for some time now, but needed to wait until all of the pieces were in place. By pieces I mean a new Counseling and Therapeutic Sciences Center in Birmingham, just outside of San Francisco. Starfleet has just given approval for this new Academy, specifically training counselors to serve aboard starships and research and study of the therapeutic sciences. They want a counselor aboard every exploratory starship by the end of two years." Beverly continued reading. "The thing is, we don't have anyone to head up this project. Which brings me to you. By god, Deanna this position was made for you! It would involve not only a high position in Starfleet directing the Center, but also the title of honorary Captain, and the option to teach whatever classes you want, training students up to do what you did for so many years. Please consider this. I really really want you on board."

Beverly's eyes grew wide as she hugged Deanna. "Oh Dee! This is amazing! Are you going to take it?" Deanna's grin slowly widened as she nodded her head yes. The two friends hugged again and Bev got tears in her eyes. "I don't know what I'll do without you" she said in a choked voice. "You'll continue keeping the Captain in line" Deanna laughed. "And you'll come visit me as often as you have a chance." Deanna sat down at the terminal as she typed a reply to the message. Beverly felt privileged to be a part of it all.

"I'm getting awfully tired of losing my senior officers" Captain Picard said as he officiated Deanna's goodbye dinner. "But I have never been more proud of Honorary Captain Deanna Troi, her service to me and to this ship, and her new position as Head of the Starfleet Institute for Counseling and Therapeutic Sciences." Everyone clapped and congratulated Deanna as they feasted and partied late into the evening. She felt sad, she would miss her friends, but was excited about this new adventure in her life. In a little more than eight hours, she would be beaming down to her future.

Two months went by quickly since Deanna had arrived to her new apartment next to the Institute that she now ran. She was completely settled in and deeply involved in the daily running of the Institute. It had definitely been exhausting, but she felt so completely satisfied in her life for the first time in a long time. Except for that one nagging thought. She had effectively banished it for the entire time she'd been here, but it was trying to come up again. She sat back into her sofa and sighed, rubbing her eyes with the palms of her hands and shaking her head. Then she began talking to herself. "Would it really be all that bad? What could it hurt?" Silence. Then, "well, it could hurt a lot of things, depending on how it goes. What am I thinking?" Silence. Then, "but it's just a quick thing, doesn't need to be drawn out at all". Silence. Then, "you'll draw it out, you know…..Oh, SHUT UP!" Deanna said it so loudly she was afraid everyone in the building had heard her. She looked around in embarrassment and decided that she was done having this argument with herself. She was an adult, in her early 50's no less. She would do this. She could do this. It was a thoughtful thing to do.

Deanna entered the building, awed at the magnificence of it all. This was one place she had not been before. She was feeling embarrassed for the fact that she had put on a particularly attractive civilian outfit, let her hair down long and soft, worn her perfume, and generally looked more alluring than an honorary Captain on duty probably should. But then again, who's to say how an honorary Captain should look in a professional setting? She hesitantly walked up to the receptionist, spoke in low tones, and told her what she wanted. With that the receptionist stood to lead her down the hallway. This wasn't usual protocol, but this was Captain Deanna Troi, esteemed Director of the Institute of the Therapeutic Sciences, and one didn't say no to her. They walked past several offices and headed towards the one on the end. The door was open. The receptionist paused and let Deanna pass. "Thank you" Deanna mouthed as she walked by. Deanna softly entered the room. There were padds strewn about, clothes slung over the backs of chairs, and a general mess in the entire area.

"Oh my god, Will! Don't you ever clean this place up?!" Admiral Riker jumped and immediately swung around from where he'd been standing by his bookshelf, lost his balance on his bad leg, and grabbed the side of his desk before he fell completely over. His heart began beating wildly, and he lifted himself up, trying to catch his breath, trying to appear dignified. He looked up to where her melodious voice had come from. "Deanna" he whispered, his eyes wide.

It had been over a decade since they'd last seen each other, since they'd been lovers of each other's soul, since they'd been so sweetly intertwined in each other's life. A soft smile appeared on Deanna's face as her eyes caught in his. Frozen in time, in a past that seemed eternal, neither could move. Deanna thought how the years had been kind to him, how ruggedly handsome he looked in his Admiral's uniform. Will had thought he'd never see her again, and his heart opened a little at the sight of her, standing there, in his office. After a long moment, Deanna spoke. "Well? You can't afford a cleaning lady?" Will chuckled as he moved around the desk to approach her, his leg hobbling along, walking clumsily. Will had long since lost his self-consciousness, but Deanna was taken aback by his handicap. She had never seen Will walk in any way but straight up, tall, with utmost strength and pride. But she hid her shock well. Will approached her and took both of her hands in his. She desperately tried to steady their trembling. "Deanna. What brings you here?" His smile crinkled his eyes, and accentuated his salt-and-pepper beard. "Oh, I was just passing through" she said with merriment. Will continued smiling and motioned for her to have a seat as he hobbled back around to sit behind his desk. He plopped down into his chair ungracefully. "Really?" he asked. "I thought you'd be too busy being First Officer of the Enterprise." Deanna sat down and rested her hands on her knees. She was far more nervous than she wanted to be. As she looked up at Will assuming he'd continue his observation and comment on her new role, she saw him looking back to her, waiting for a response. It was then she realized that he didn't know.

"Will, are you aware that I am the new Director of the Starfleet Institue for the Therapeutic Sciences?" Will had been leaning back in his chair, and with Deanna's pronouncement he suddenly slammed forward, both feet on the ground. "It's you?!" he said with such surprise Deanna wondered if he'd had someone else in mind. "Yes, it's me" she said. "Is that so surprising?" Will ran his fingers through his beard. "No….uh….oh, no of course not" he stammered. "It's just that I never thought, I mean….well, you now live in Birmingham? Just a few miles away?" Deanna smiled, glad she wasn't the only one who was nervous. "Yes, and you should see my quarters. Beats anything I had on the Enterprise." Will smiled as he tried to process this new information. They had announced the new Director of the Institute at a meeting that he had missed, then he'd been on an away mission so was not in on all the recent Fleet News. He'd just arrived home a day before. And now here he was finding out that his imzadi, the woman he had loved for his entire life, was in his office telling him she lived close by and was also working for Starfleet. His heart began to pound again. "god, Dee congratulations. That's quite a prestigious position! They've been talking about it around here for months. 'A counselor on every starship by the end of two years'. That will be quite an accomplishment. " Deanna smiled with pride. "Well, it's not quite an Admiral, but I'm happy with it." Will smiled widely. "So look at us, both here, ending up with desk jobs. Who would have thought?" Just then, the receptionist called on Will's intercom. "Sir, is Captain Troi still there? Admiral Stewart is looking for her." Will's eyebrows shot up. "Captain?" he said with interest as he looked up at her. "Honorary" she tilted her head and acknowledged. "I'm on my way" she said into the com as she rose to leave. Then she turned to look at him one last time. "Will, it's been good to see you again." The sincerity in her voice made his heart sing just a little. "Wait, can I see you again sometime? Maybe for coffee?" He almost said they could talk about old times, then stopped himself, realizing that might not be the best thing to say. Deanna shrugged. "Maybe", she said and gave him that beautiful smile. With that she walked out of his door. Will leaned back in his chair, trying to calm his heart from beating so strongly. "Well, how about that?" he thought to himself. "Deanna Troi, back in my life again."

Will made sure to check Deanna's bio on the Institute's directory to see if she was married. He guessed not because he thought she would have mentioned it, but he checked just to make sure. He felt like a stalker, but he didn't care. The Universe had given him a chance to see her again, and he was going to do everything in his power to make the most of it. Perhaps she was seeing someone, perhaps they would never be anything more than friendly acquaintances at this point, but he was going to try. By god, he was going to give it his best shot. Deanna, for her part, was wrestling with her emotions. She had vowed to herself and secretly to him that she would never allow them to be in relationship again and risk devastating each other for the third time. But they were both in their 50's at this point, both had matured, both had grown deeply in the challenges of their lives. And he still made her heart flutter. Just like a teenager. She felt infatuated all over again. She laughed to herself as she'd leafed through a Starfleet journal in Admiral Stewart's office and saw a section naming Will as Starfleet's most eligible bachelor. "I'll just bet he is" she thought.

Both Will and Deanna were busy with their duties. Will was sent on another away mission to far space to head up a Council determining the readiness of a newly discovered inhabited planet in joining the Federation. Deanna had to work nearly round the clock, getting the new Institute up and running, meeting with her instructors, visiting classes to see how things were going. She developed a curriculum based on her personal experiences counseling in Starfleet, and fielded so many questions from her teachers about her experience. She was revered by them, for being the first Counselor aboard a starship and the Federation flagship, no less. She had regular meetings with Admiral Stewart, her direct advisor. At the end of each day she fell into bed, exhausted. Two months had passed and she had not heard from nor seen Will. She thought that was probably for the best, though her heart begged to differ. The Institute was closed for a week so the teachers could set up the next semester's curriculums, and Deanna took a few well-deserved days off. As she lay in her bed one rainy morning, she allowed herself a very deep breath. "Three days" she thought. "This is heaven." She would luxuriate in a hot fragrant bath, then dress and go into San Francisco for some shopping. Rainy days were best, there were few people out and about and she could have the place to herself. She chose a quaint street with some clothing shops, antique shops, and several nice restaurants and bars. She donned her flattering jeans and a tee shirt, letting her hair down and sandals with heels. And she remembered her umbrella. When she arrived it was almost noon and she was hungry, so she found a cozy elegant bar where she could relax and enjoy a leisurely lunch. As she entered she heard some ruckus in the back, and recognized one of the voices. "You son of a gun, Riker, how are you always so successful? We didn't think Beson 5 would ever qualify because of their inner conflicts." "It really wasn't that hard to get them to agree on some things" Will said. "Remember, I've been at this a long time." The table of Admirals all acknowledged Will with a toast. "You sure haven't let your injuries slow you down one bit" one of the men said. Will grinned at his older counterparts, then looked up and saw her. Deanna blushed at having been caught staring at him, and quickly pretended she didn't see him and took a table by the window. "Excuse me gentlemen" Will said as he wiped his mouth with his napkin and rose from the table. All eyes followed him to see where he was going. "Riker, you sly dog" one of them said as they all saw him approach Deanna's table.

"Is this seat taken?" Deanna had just ordered her favorite martini and looked up to see him standing there. Her stomach tightened with anticipation. "Will! What are you doing here? Please, have a seat". Will chuckled as he sat down and looked her in the eye. "You saw me here. You were looking at me Dee. Don't deny it." Deanna was frustrated with her sudden lack of confidence and Will's seemingly overwhelming supply of it. Her cheeks reddened as she decided honesty was the best approach. "Yes I was." she replied. Will stared at her for a moment and then said "Are you seeing anyone?" Deanna choked on her drink a little, and after coughing she looked up at him, incredulous. "Excuse me?" she asked, slightly indignant at his bluntness. "You heard me" he replied. Deanna looked around the room, trying to gain some sense of control here. But when she returned her eyes to him and saw that charming Riker grin, she simply couldn't help herself. "I'm not" she said. "Good" he said as he leaned forward. He spoke simply, calmly. "Deanna, I know everything is awkward between us. And for good reason. In fact, I consider myself fortunate that you are even talking to me, that you forgave me. But I am still in love with you. Always have been, always will be. And I'd be a fool if I didn't give it one last chance while you are here, while you are still available. You may be repulsed by me, I don't know. But I want you to know that I am going to pursue a relationship with you. If you only want friends, then that's what it will be. But I'm going for more. I want you to marry me. I want you to be my wife. And if you simply want me to leave you alone, if you want me to get lost, then tell me now. Because if you don't, I'm going for broke here."

Deanna had stopped breathing somewhere during his proclamation. She was stunned. Never had Will been so up front and honest with her. And her empathic senses told her he'd meant every word of it. Did she want him to leave her alone? A part of her did. She was confused. She was unsure. But it took her long enough to think it through that Will knew he had a chance, if even a little one. "I'll take that as a maybe" he stated as he stood to leave. Deanna still could not speak as her eyes followed him. He turned to her just before he headed back to his table. "By the way," he smiled "you are still unbelievably gorgeous". He looked her up and down, and then turned and walked away. Deanna blushed and shivered and grinned all at the same time. She was in trouble. Deep deep trouble.

After Deanna finished her lunch, she headed back to her apartment to meditate and see if she could regain some of her self-control. She didn't like being in the "one-down" position, she wasn't used to it. She'd always felt she had a slight edge over Will with her empathic sense and rock-solid self-control. But she was losing the battle this time. After a half-hour of Betazed mind cleansing, she relaxed back into the soft cushions of her sofa and thought. Did she want Will to pursue her? Did she want to pursue him? Would she prefer just friends? Would she be a fool to take a chance with him again? Would it be better to just cut things off completely with him and remain cordial? A thousand questions swirled through Deanna's mind. But she already knew deep down what the answer was. She'd never stopped loving Will, and she knew it. And she knew he knew it too. Whatever agonizing twists and turns their relationship had taken, in a place deeper than non-imzadi couples could ever know, Will and Deanna had no doubt they were meant to be together. They'd fought it in every way possible, and yet, here they were again. And Will had finally grown up this time. Deanna decided within herself that she would allow Will to pursue her, and thoroughly enjoy the ride. It should be his job to work for it, after what she had suffered through. Deanna smiled as her heart beat in anticipation.

True to his word, Will called her the next morning. "Enjoying your days off?" he said, without identifying himself. "As a matter of fact, I am" Deanna said, sipping on her mimosa while sitting in the sun porch of her quarters. "Well, I was wondering if you were available for a concert this evening?" he asked. Deanna's eyebrows rose. "Really? A concert? That doesn't seem quite your style, Will" she replied. "It is now" he said. "There's an outdoor concert in the park by the bay tonight and I'd love to take you. I'll bring dinner." Deanna took another sip of her mimosa, pausing just long enough to make Will nervous. "I'd love to" she finally answered as Will silently breathed a sigh of relief. It would have been perfectly understandable if Deanna had changed her mind, but here she was, agreeing to go out with him. He felt a sense of glee he hadn't felt in a long long time. "Good. I'll pick you up at 6" he said as he bid her good day and ended the transmission. Deanna set her mimosa down and jumped up off the porch. This would require some shopping for a new sun dress and possibly some sandals. Her time off was getting better and better.

Later that night Will showed up at her door, picnic basket in hand. His eyes grew wide as he admired her beauty; a short red sun dress with thin straps and white strappy sandals. She had her hair up in a pony tail at the back, which made her look younger than her years. Deanna also appraised Will, looking him up and down in his chambray shirt and khakis. His broad shoulders had not changed over the years, and she wondered what it would feel like to be held in his arms again. They both grinned at each other as Will offered her his arm and walked her to the tubolift and then out to the waiting shuttle to take them to the park. Once they arrived and found their spot, he set a blanket down on the grass and opened the basket, laying out their delicacies, while they talked of the day and the orchestral band warmed up. There were many many people there, and Will and Deanna blended into the crowd. He had small sandwiches and crudités and Betazed oskoid salad and wine and, of course, chocolate. Deanna licked her lips at the delicious food as Will smiled and they both began to eat. The concert began as everyone quieted down and the lilting music played softly into the air around them, as the sun began to go down and the stars of twilight glittered across the lawn. Occasionally they'd whisper something to each other about the piece being played or the beauty of the evening, but mostly they just listened. After more than an hour Will could see Deanna was growing tired of holding herself up as they had not brought chairs, and he reached over and gently pulled on her arm, gliding her in front of him. He separated his legs and pulled her in so she could lean back on his chest. Deanna froze, feeling slightly hesitant. But Will gently persisted and as she felt her back rest into him, and the warmth emanating all up and down her, she relaxed and sighed. Will drew his arms around her and pulled her close. She could smell his cologne, mixed with the scent of him, and felt the goosebumps tingle on her arms. Will felt her warm body leaned into his and tried to calm his body down. They sat like that for the final hour of the concert, Will resting his chin on top of her head, and Deanna nearly falling asleep in his arms. It felt so wonderful, so comforting, so safe. She didn't want the evening to end. They continued to sit like that for a while longer after the concert finished, then Will took her hand and helped her up. They packed everything up and Will walked her back to her apartment, talking about the amazing music they'd just heard and the perfect evening. Will held Deanna's hand and when they arrived at her door, she was desperately hoping he would kiss her. There was no need for pretense between them, they'd been around this block too many times. She was nearly ready to say yes to a marriage proposal right now. And when she opened the door and then turned to face him, he looked down at her and reached his hand up to lift her chin. She couldn't close her eyes because he was so intently staring into them, and her lips were tingling. She could barely breathe anticipating the kiss, but Will simply slid his hand up gently to her cheek, cradling it in the palm of his hand, remaining staring into her eyes. Deanna was mesmerized. The warmth of his hand sent shivers down her spine as his eyes bore right into her. Their souls connected at a level that they hadn't in a long long time. It was more searing than a kiss ever would have been. Will never spoke, but after a few long moments he gently slid his hand down from her cheek, caressing her neck along the way, then he turned and walked away. Deanna was left standing there, frozen, her whole body tingling with desire. "Damn him" she thought as she turned and walked into her apartment.

Will continued to court Deanna through the coming weeks with old-fashioned dates and hand holding and caresses, while Deanna longed to be kissed and give in to their passion. They went to lunch, met for coffee, Will made breakfast for her, they attended a museum opening. Finally after two months of this torture, Will asked Deanna to the Admiral's ball. This was definitely the event of the year for all Starfleet personnel. A black tie affair, hosting any alien dignitaries that were planetside and every one of the rank of Admiral and their dates. Deanna wore a white silk halter dress and silver sandals, half of her hair swept up on top of her head, the other half falling softly around her shoulders. Will wore black tails and tie, looking handsome as ever. They danced and flirted, met with dignitaries and interested statesmen. Everyone was aware of who the couple was, Admiral William T. Riker, hero, and Captain Deanna Troi, head of Starfleet's new Therapeutic Program. Admiration and respect followed them, if not a little envy. And at the end of the evening, Will again walked Deanna to her door. But things would be different this time.

When they arrived at her door, Deanna paused as she always did. She was getting used to Will's tender caress of her cheek, and she savored every second of it, allowing the shivers to travel up and down her spine. But this time Will didn't do it. Instead he reached out and gently pulled her into his embrace, standing there, holding her, just holding her for the longest time. At first Deanna was confused but then she relaxed into it and allowed herself to revel in the feel of his arms around her. Her head rested against his broad chest and she could hear his heart beating. They just stood there, soaking in each other's essence, sending love and tenderness back and forth through their link. Deanna almost cried at the intensity of it. Then, finally, Will loosened his grip and stepped back. He looked at this woman, the profound and exotic beauty of her face, of her soul. This woman he had loved and lost and loved again. This woman who would forever be a part of him, and, he guessed, that had never come with a choice since the day they had met. His heart filled with such love for her, such a beautiful ache, and he reached up and lifted her chin with his finger and lowered his lips to hers to place a searing kiss that left her breathless. It didn't stop there. Will finally lost the control that he had kept such a tight lid on since she had re-entered his life. He kissed her, then kissed her again, then reached around behind her to open the door and gently push her inside. He continued kissing her, backing her up to the sofa, and when the back of her legs encountered it, she sat, as he sat with her, still kissing her. Deanna was completely breathless and couldn't stop kissing him, the passion was building at such a pace that she was ready to tear his shirt off. He slid his tongue inside her mouth, catching her off-guard as she gasped and he gripped her more tightly and pressed his body up against hers. Deanna simply couldn't catch her breath as her body responded to him, and she gently pressed her hands against his chest and began to push him away. When he gave her a perplexed look, she was barely able to speak. "Breath, imzadi. Breath. I have to breathe." Will took the opportunity to inhale as well and grinned from ear to ear. "What?" Deanna asked at his Cheshire grin. "You haven't called me that in over ten years" he replied as Deanna realized she'd just called him imzadi. Tears came to her eyes as she realized how they had bonded again and how she never ever thought in a million years that she would be here, now, with him, in desperate love all over again. Will's face grew serious as he reached down into his pocket shuffling his fingers around, looking for something. When he found it, he pulled out a ring, a sparkling diamond that practically reflected in Deanna's silky white gown, and held it up to her. He silently lifted her hand and held the ring close to her finger. "_Imzadi_" he whispered in a choked voice, tears filling his eyes as well. Deanna's tears began to spill down over her cheeks as she lifted her finger just a little to place it inside the ring, and Will slid it on. Neither of them spoke. Neither had to. The rest of the evening was filled with torrid kisses and whispered murmurs to each other inside their minds.

The Senior officers of the Enterprise who had served with Will and Deanna all made room in their schedules to attend their wedding. It was a small ceremony held in a chapel on the base, and Admiral Hanson officiated. Captain Picard was Will's best man and Beverly was Deanna's maid of honor. Their other Starfleet friends attended as well. When the time came to ask if anyone objected, the Admiral said instead "If anyone here can show just cause as to why these two people should be married and are finally getting around to it, for god's sake, speak now or forever hold your peace." And with that all of their friends shouted and cheered and jumped up and down, clapping and yelling their approval. Will and Deanna laughed about that for a long long time.

Deanna had long since gotten used to Will's handicap (if it could be called that), but now that they were about to make love she wondered what it would be like. She'd grown accustomed to the left side of her body being held more strongly to his than her right, to the odd tilt they had when they walked together or he backed her up against a wall to kiss her, to his right hand always caressing her but not his left. But being intimate required some balance, though she never for one moment doubted Will's prowess. Oh, god no. If anything, he was more masculine and confident now than ever, if that were even possible.

They had lain down together on the bed, her back was to Will and he was holding her close to him, caressing her hair. "Mmmmmm, you smell amazing" he whispered seductively into her ear. She had undressed down to her slip and he to his boxers as they lay together, and Deanna was more than ready. She had been ready since the first day she'd seen him in his office. She kissed his upper arm and drew her fingers lightly across his flesh, causing his skin to erupt in goosebumps. He growled and bit her lightly on the neck. "Keep that up and things are going to move pretty quickly here" he said. Deanna arched her back at the sensation of his teeth on her neck and softly moaned. "Why do you think I did it?" she teased as she turned herself in his arms and reached up to touch his cheek gently. "_god, I love you imzadi_" she said inside his mind as she lifted her lips to his and they began their dance.

Lips moved against lips and fingers interlocked, large hands caressed and small hands touched, heated skin met heated skin, and tongues licked and kissed. Soft groans could be heard coming from both, and increased in volume and intensity as they continued. Will began to make love to her with his mouth, teeth, and tongue up and down her body as Deanna arched and gasped and sighed. She clasped his shoulders tightly, leaving nail marks as Will aggressively brought her closer to the edge.

And when the time came, the odd angle that Will entered her as he held himself up stimulated a place she'd not experienced before, and she came quickly, gasping and crying out his name. Her response caused him to explode inside her with a guttural groan and he kept thrusting as she bucked and arched, gasping and crying "Oh _imzadi, imzadi, imzadi…"_

As she lay in his arms, waiting for her breathing to slow back to normal, Deanna couldn't help but cry. The long awaited reunion was more than she could have hoped for, and she thought how blessed she was to be here with this man, the lover of her soul. Will felt her tremble slightly and turned her to face him. "Imzadi, what's wrong?" he said tenderly. "Have I hurt you again?" Deanna snorted and laughed at his panic, and at all the tears that had been shed between them for so many years. "Happy tears" she whispered in a choked voice. "_Happy tears_" he replied inside her mind as he placed his thumb on her check and gently traced the trails of her tears.


End file.
